Yikes!!

Okay, I got a wild urge today to greatly reduce the stress in my life. Since the kids have to stay (kidding of course) I decided to get rid of some hair. It is way shorter than I expected, but I kind of like it. At least it won't take me 2 hours to dry it any more...hopefully.



Yes, this is a cheesy self portrait, but it gives you an idea anyway. I am still in shock that I did this. I hope I don't regret it in a few hours!

So It Begins...

Wow, I cannot believe this is the last day of school. Hallie will be here any moment and I am really looking forward to having her home all summer. Of course, I am sure I will be ready for school to start again come August, but at least for now we have lots of warm (hot) summer days full of swimming, picnics, sprinklers, cook-outs and best of all, sleeping in!! The summer will also bring all the kids and a few vacations. We will be going to Florida on Saturday for 5 days. Here's hoping the RV doesn't break down this time! Hopefully the summer will also bring a little more time for writing, especially on my other blog. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind on that one. I also need to focus on my poetry. It suffers greatly during the school year because it is so time consuming. I am hoping to have some more things ready for publication by the Fall. We'll see!

Well, I have to go wait for the bus. I hope everyone has a great day!!

Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day ever yesterday. Randy, being the sweet thing that he is, cooked an entire meal for our family and wouldn't let his mom or I help at all. The food was delicious and it sure was nice having the day off from the kitchen! I also received a potted palm tree and several smaller potted palms for the pool area. They look awesome! Here are pictures from our day.

First Karate Lesson...

Today Randy gave the kids their first karate lesson. He is teaching Hallie and Ethan as well as four other children. So far they have learned two stances and two blocks and are very excited with their newfound knowledge. Of course, it's all sooooo serious, but I think they just look so cute in their gis and I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures. Shhh....

The Door is Never Closed

I cannot express how much God is blessing me through this book…

“Why is it such good news? I never need to fear and say, "Oh, I dare not go to God, because I just told a lie. I just lost my temper. I just deceived that person. Oh, I have no right to ask God to help me now because I failed in that task." If my righteousness comes by my works, then Satan can bar the door to God practically all the time, because I am never doing as much as I feel I should. I am never as good as I know I ought to be. I haven't achieved my super-ego. I haven't lived up to my own standards of what I feel is right. Because I have failed to achieve those ideal standards, Satan will use my failure to keep me from coming to God. "You have no right to ask God to help you when you have just failed Him again. You know your action is displeasing to God, yet you did it anyhow. Now you're in trouble and now you want God to help you. You think He is going to listen to you? No way!"
Satan can always bar the door to God if he can cause me to look within myself and at myself. But if I am looking to Jesus Christ and I realize that I am accounted righteous because of my faith in Christ, Satan can never bar the door.
Certainly, I am not yet all that God wants me to be. Far from it! But thank God, I am not what I was. Even in my present state of imperfection, God looks upon me and accounts me righteous and holy. That is why I never want to be caught anywhere except in Christ Jesus. We must never see ourselves apart from Him.”

From, Why Grace Changes Everything, By Chuck Smith, http://www2.calvarychapel.com/?show=Resources.Ebooks.whygracechangeseverything

Legalism…I have been bombarded with it my entire life. Yes, I was taught about the grace of God and the plan of salvation, but so much focus was on my behavior, my actions, my SIN, that I always felt this barrier had been placed between me and my Savior. I knew that my salvation was through God’s grace and not by my actions, but knowing that and living it are two different things. I was always taught that yes, grace saved me, but after that it was up to me to live according to certain rules to stay close to God. If I failed in this (which, of course I would) God would be disgusted with me. Not that I wouldn’t still be saved, but that, like an angry person (once again, humanizing God), He just wouldn’t be on speaking terms with me. This set me up for complete failure and alienation from the thing I need more than anything else…communication with God. Would He really do this? Save me and then withhold His companionship because I misbehaved? Of course not, but that is what I believed. I believed that His grace was only good enough to get me through the gates of Heaven. To be close to Him and receive His blessings, I had to live up to a standard of righteousness. But it is through GRACE that we are saved AND that we commune with God. He looks on us as pure and on our faith as sufficient. The door is never closed, no matter what we struggle with, if our faith is in Him. If I can accept this, I know peace will be mine and Satan can no longer prevent me from going to our Lord for any reason at any time. Who knows what God can do with me if I make myself available?
Seeing myself apart from God, even as a Christian, was self-inflicted punishment for my inability to be perfect…a punishment that goes against the very essence of salvation. God saved us because He wanted to be close to us, not so that we could spend the rest of our lives trying and failing to earn what we can never deserve. We must never draw that line between ourselves and our Savior. It is a line Satan will dance upon.

Weekend

For those of you who are wondering, I am still here. It's been a strange weekend. The kids are visiting their grandparents and Randy and I have been doing some spring cleaning, i.e. clearing out closets for a massive transport of stuff to the Salvation Army. Since we are having our interior painted in a few weeks, we really needed to reduce the amount of "stuff" or "crap", however you want to say it, in our house. Seriously, I had no idea the amount of things we own that we do not need in any form. I found my prom dress hanging in my closet. My prom dress, people. That was over ten years ago. What was I saving that for? Did I think I might throw that on and wear it out to dinner some time? Then there's the maternity clothes. Note to self: hubby had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I think we can safely say there will not be a need for those any more. I also found several other useless items: a busted VCR, half a package of newborn diapers, a half eaten box of valentine candy, a couple of old purses with pieces of petrified chewing gum inside, and several flip-flops without a match. Of course, that was just my side of the closet. Randy found all kinds of fun items, including some very "groovy" items of clothing. Needless to say, this project was way overdue.

It was really weird not having the kids around. Not only did I miss them, but I kept feeling like I left them some where. We'd be in the car and I'd turn around and panic for a second because they weren't there. I turned the monitor on at night and each morning I woke up thinking, man, they sure are being quiet. I know we needed this weekend, but I can't help but feel a little empty. I have never been away from them for more than a couple of days and even that feels like a long time. On a happier note, have any of you ever seen the movie Napolean Dynamite? Okay, this is the funniest movie I have ever seen. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I mean, this movie is genius. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it, but only if you ever had a Trapper Keeper, played tetherball, drew unicorns or ran for class president. If you didn't, this humor may be over your head.

Change...

The last two days have been the beginning of a spiritual journey for me...one that I hope is long and fruitful. So many things have been revealed to me about myself and my own frame of mind concerning Jesus and my relationship with Him. So much of my life has been about what I am not...how I have failed others...how I have failed God...what I have done wrong. It was a precept that was hammered into my brain from infancy. I have tried so many times to deserve God's grace, but of course, that never happens. Because of my guilt and feelings of failure to keep His law and my own codes, I maintain this distance from Him. Whether it is hurting someone else or merely praying in the wrong order, I feel that God must be, has to be angry with me for my shortcomings. For many years I have started over, tried again, and consistently broken the rules time and time again and ended up right back where I began. This is not the way God intended for me to relate to Him and I know it. I just have to let go of this mindset that somehow God is constantly evaluating me and accept that He is constantly loving me instead. My children break the rules all the time; does that mean that I would prefer they never talk to me because my disappointment is so great in them? Of course not. That is ludicrous. I know God loves me so much more than I, or any human, can love another person. Surely He desires no less from me, His child. In our humanity, we hang on to our sin like it is something precious. Because, without God's help, we cannot forgive others when they hurt us we feel that God must have the same problem. We are seeing Him as a man instead of the glorious and righteous God that He is. Loving us despite our failures is what He's all about. He doesn't have to work at it the way we do. He doesn't have to remind Himself, "Oh yeah, I forgave her for that. I have to stop thinking about it." It is this awesome love and mercy that is so hard for me to comprehend, but I want to. I want to live a life that is free of rules. I want to live a righteous life because of my immense love for Jesus, not because I am trying to earn anything. I prayed this morning for God's help in this. I need Him to help me understand and accept the depths and permanence of His mercies and love. I asked Him for more. More of what only He can give.

This morning after my prayer I went to the Calvary Chapel website because they have several devotional resources. This is the first thing I came across. I have never needed to hear something so badly. I know God's hand lead me here.

Why Grace Changes Everything

As Paul said in Philippians 3:8-9...

"...that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Thanks for listening.

Just some fun little blogthings...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

I got tagged with this, so here goes...

1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"terrace, then entered the Bon Caffe. I continued to count the bell towers" Beach Music, Pat Conroy

2) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Um, the air

3) What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A documentary on the Shroud of Turin.

4) WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
9:30

5) Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
9:14

6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My husband playing his keyboard

7) When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped outside an hour ago getting out of the car. I had been to the store.

8) Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
An email from my stepdaughter

9) What are you wearing?
jeans and a pink shirt

10) Did you dream last night?
Of course...something about whipped cream. Don't ask.

11) When did you last laugh?
A few minutes ago when my husband did a Napolean Dynamite impersonation.

12) What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint and windows. It's a sunroom with very little wall space.

13) Seen anything weird lately?
My stepson's myspace page.

14) What do you think of this quiz?
The first question was interesting.

15) What is the last film you saw?
"Deeply"

16) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A house on the Battery in Charleston, SC

17) Tell us something about you that we don't know.
I have to carry an Epipen with me everywhere.

18) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Make terrorists disappear.

19) Do you like to dance?
Love it.

20) George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I think he's a human being with good intentions.

21) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
She was. Her name is Hallie. If I had another girl, she would be Francie, a name from my favorite novel.

22) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Well, if Hallie had been a boy she was going to be named Hayden.

23) Would you ever consider living abroad?
No, I love the US of A.

Hallie's note to Mom...

Hallie knew I didn't feel well today so she wrote me this message on her magnadoodle all by herself.

"I love you, Mom. I hope you get better."

I am already.

Yuck

That's how I am feeling. Just yucky. I am in the process of coming down on my Lexapro (SSRI drug used to treat depression, anxiety and OCD) and no one bothered to mention that I would experience withdrawal symptoms. I have been on various SSRI's since the age of 18 and Lexapro is by far the most effective. It's short half-life makes it very fast acting, but also can cause withdrawal within 8 hours of missing the first dose. After stabilizing my anxieties, I wanted to come down from 20 mg to 10. All is well until about 10 days later when I can't eat, feel nauseated, am dizzy and experiencing mood swings. Trust me, its enough to make me think I really needed the 20 after all. I know it's something my body just has to endure to adjust to the lower level of medication, but its not fun. Seriously, it's like being pregnant without the glow, except I'm losing weight instead of gaining it. Weight I really can't afford to lose. Trust me, I don't really like having a BMI of 17.5. I don't like having ankles the size of my husband's wrist. When I wear sandals they look like toothpicks in bricks (shoe size-9.5). I actually liked the way I was looking for a while because the increased dose put some meat on my bones, but I don't think that will last. Oh well...

Still Here...

What an absolutely crappy 24 hours. After spending all day yesterday packing for our trip, we ended up on the side of the interstate for over 3 hours last night. After waiting out a tornado and finally heading out of town around 5:00 our RV broke down about 2 hours into our trip. It was very scary...some weird noises followed by losing all power. Trust me, it's quite difficult to steer something that weighs 60,000 pounds without power steering or power brakes, especially when you are going 70 mph. For a minute, it looked like we were going into the trees, but Randy was able to coast it onto the shoulder. We waited forever for the state troopers and finally a tow truck big enough and then we had to wait for them to load it. All this time 18 wheelers were flying past us going 80 mph and each time it rocked the RV so badly I was afraid we would roll into the ditch. Anyway, we had to unload our stuff out of the RV and into the Saturn and drive back home. We walked back in the door at 1:00 this morning. Of course the kids were beside themselves by this time and frankly so were we. We went to bed immediately but were awakened 4 hours later by a thunderstorm complete with hail, severe lightning and four little feet running to our bed. I think we all dozed off a little after that but not much. Right now I am exhausted and sad. I was really looking forward to seeing Sally and her family. So much for our mini vacation.

I know, I know...it could've been a lot worse and I am thankful that we are safe. We really did end up making the best of it and having a decent day. I wouldn't trade time with my sweetheart of a husband or kids for anything. I just miss my friend.

Well, right now I am going to spend some quality time with Randy who will always be my best friend...with benefits.

I Forgot...

This is Hallie after her first game. She did great! I know I am a little biased, but I really think she is the best player on the team. They have her at first base and pitcher most of the time. Anyway, I am just so proud of her that I had to share a picture!

Catch Up..

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Mine was as close to perfect as possible. This is the first year in 3 that Randy has actually been there in the morning. As the keyboard player and oftentimes vocalist at our church of about 1000 people, he has to leave the house on Sunday mornings by 7:00 and doesn't return until 12:30, not to mention that on Easter there is always 3 services. Don't get me wrong...I love that he has found a ministry that he loves so much, but it's nice to have him there when the kids see their baskets and to help me get them dressed and out the door! We also had Marshall here this year so it really worked out nicely to have him home. We all went to church together where I was moved to tears by the music and message and then we had a nice dinner afterwards at our house. ALL my parents came, so it could've been explosive (I am always on edge for that possibility) but they were, for the most part, rather civil. Don't we look nice?

Of course we also did the Easter activities that don't really have much to do with Jesus, but that I find harmless...egg dyeing, hunting and baskets of treats. Personally, I don't find it particularly bothersome that parts of Easter have pagan roots, although I can understand those who do. I personally believe that God is interested in our motivations and our hearts, and I think that any day we choose to celebrate what He did for us is fine with Him.

Well, we are getting ready to go visit my very best friend this weekend in Florida, so I have lots of laundry to do. It'll be nice for us to get away for a few days. The kids love any reason to go some where in the RV, but they especially love the beach!

Resurrection Day

This is why I am celebrating today...

My Jesus, my Savior...
Lord, there is none like You.
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love.

My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord, All the earth, let us sing!
Power and majesty, Praise to the King!
Mountains bow down And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I’ll love You,
Forever I’ll stand.
Nothing compares to the promiseI have in You.

I hope you all experience the grace and love of our Savior today.

Darlene Zschech (Darlene Zschech / Hillsong Publishing [ASCAP], admin. in US & Canada by Integrity’s Hosanna! Music)

Kid Stuff

What a great day I have had! Marshall is spending the week with us and he, Ethan and I have had so much fun. They took a bubble bath this morning and as soon as I could get them bathed and dressed, we headed out for pancakes. After a brief shopping session at Target (hey, he needed a toothbrush, okay? Any excuse will do...) we headed out for the playground. Of course, they got all sandy which basically nullified the bath this morning, but oh well. It was a so nice outside, although my Chicagoian (is that a word?) stepson exclaimed "It's hot out here!". Apparently his memory is not long enough yet to recall the 105 degree days of July from last year. Anyway, we came home and had grilled cheese and grapes for lunch and alas, they fell asleep, but not before blasting off to outer space in the Buzz rocketship.

I love having these kids together. They are like a PBJ sandwhich....Mars is the smooth, easy to spread peanut butter, Ethan is the sweet, jiggily jelly and Hallie is the bread that keeps them in their place. There's no escaping that bread, boys. You're surrounded. Of course, they have moments that call for mediation. There can only be two Buzzes and nobody wants to be Zurg. With Hallie in the game Buzz has a wife, baby and toy car seat in his rocket. Zurg is a grumpy bachelor who always loses and only has a laundry basket for a vehicle. Who can blame them?

Well, I better go wait for the school bus. Hallie's first softball game is tonight, so she needs a hefty snack. Later, folks!

Target Therapy

No, it's not a new breakthrough in treating mental illness. It's not some kind of psycho-babble for a form of cognitive or behavior therapy. It's exactly what it says. Therapy...at Target. You know, the store known all over the world for it's red circle logo and vast selection of items you really, really need and items you really, really don't need but that would look great in the guest bath? Need a laundry basket? Got 'em. Need organic strawberries? Got 'em. Need a digital camera? Got that, too. Need to feel better about yourself without spending tons o'cash? Well, . I don't know what it is about that store, but when I go through those automatic doors and reach for that red buggy, something happens. It's kind of like "Breakfast at Tiffany's" except there's no expensive jewelry or fine china and I am not Audrey Hepburn, no matter what my husband says. However, I do feel safe there. How could I not in the presence of every form of candy imaginable and clothes I can buy and not feel guilty about it later? I can wake up in the morning feeling like an ugly, horrible person and then somehow after an hour in the aisles of bliss walk out with a new pair of capris, a gallon of milk and a new point of view. How much does it cost? Maybe 50 dollars...and let me tell you, that's about 1/3 the cost of psycotherapy in the office where, I must point out, you cannot buy an icee that will turn your mouth blue and slurp it through a big red straw. There's just no contest. Target therapy is the only way to go.

I'm Here...

Sorry it's been so long, folks, but I've had a very sick daughter. She is improving, but had a fever of 104 and nausea yesterday. She had to miss softball and a birthday party and I am waiting to see when Ethan is going to take it. All of this plus the fact that a tornado passed over our house Friday night at 11:00 and golfball sized hail battered two of our cars. We are all okay, but squeezing into the storm cellar with our neighbors, my mother in law and a very sick little girl in the middle of the night was not the highlight of my weekend. However, my daughter's face when I brought her flowers from the grocery store yesterday is. Okay, I also got her the pair of "Krocs" (sp?) she has been asking for. I tend to indulge my kids when they're sick. So sue me.

Anyway, I hope all of you had a better weekend than I did. I'll write something more coherent later...after my nap.

Buzz Lightyear, some magic marker and some very sad news

Whew! Sometimes when I finally get my kids in bed at night I feel like a hallelujah chorus is in order. The hubby has band practice on Tuesday nights and somehow they are always the most challenging. Ethan threw his Buzz Lightyear (i.e. his passion for living) at the wall tonight and thus received a spanking and Buzz was shelved until morning. Between his dramatic crying and longing stares at the top shelf, I attempted to scrub a big smiley face off of Hallie's stomach for the second night in a row. Her friend was over yesterday afternoon and they came up with some "creative" ways to use her markers. Yes, she even drew long eyelashes, teeth and her belly button is the nose. Endearing, huh? I can't help but wonder how many baths it's going to take to remove this piece of art. Let's hope it wears off before her next doctor's visit. I am so proud of her, though, for how great she is doing in softball. Her coach told her tonight that she has a "vacuum on her hand" because she catches every ball. Ethan, however, thought that was an insult so he yelled back "My sister is not a vacuum!!" and gave him a dirty look. Thankfully, he didn't hear or see this display. On top of that, Ethan was walking around tilting his head back and saying "Hey, I'm a Pez Suspenster" to the other parents. He wouldn't move until they took some "candy" from his neck. Oh Boy.

On a more serious note, my brother-in-law's mom passed away last night from neuro-endocrine cancer which is rare, but very aggressive. She was only diagnosed 8 months ago and it has really been a roller coaster for the family. Sadly, my brother-in-law lost his younger brother to suicide a few years ago and now this. I feel so badly for him and especially his dad. Jackie was one of the kindest people I have ever met. She always met me with a big hug and called me "hon" and "darlin' ". She was an amazing photographer and she really taught me a lot about freelancing. She had a very difficult life and was enjoying her only grandchild (David Scott) so much. She loved him dearly and it just devastates me that he won't even remember her. She was a strong lady and I do take comfort in the knowledge that she is with her Savior and her son. I have fond memories, especially of last mother's day when we had a dinner party at our house. That was only 2 months before she got sick and we all had such a wonderful time together. I am so glad that I have that.

Please pray for my brother-in-law (Scott) and his dad (Mike). Scott is a precious human being and has supported my sister through some very tough times. He, my sister and my nephew are all Mike has left. No parents, no siblings and some horrible memories of finding his youngest son dead by a shotgun blast. I am praying that the Lord will make it possible for him to move closer to my sister and her family soon. He and Scott will really be needing each other.

A Survey I Stole From Jana

1. FIRST NAME? Jana

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not really, though my mom got the name from her cousin Jana. I also have a younger cousin named Jana whose parents stole my name.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Yesterday afternoon after having dealt with 14 toddlers in Sunday school on no sleep and then being ignored all afternoon. Yep, it was basically a self-pity fest. PMS anyone?

4. WHAT IS ON YOUR DESKTOP BACKGROUND? I change it monthly. Right now it is a fave picture of my hubby.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Honey roasted turkey breast

6. KIDS? Yep, I have two of my own and 3 step kids and another step adult who I’ll claim occasionally ;)

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I make a great friend.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL ? Are you kidding? Yeah..

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Who me?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Oh yeah.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope. I like my feet on the ground, thank you.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Bunches of Oats or Raisin Bran

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES ? Not usually. Especially since I usually wear slip ons that come off at the door.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically? Well, yeah, stronger than I look.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Bruster’s Birthday Cake. Yum.

16. What happened to # 16??

17. RED OR PINK? Pink.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically I hate my cleft chin. Otherwise, I hate how shy I can be.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Hmmm. I guess my best friend Sally who lives 8 hours away.

20. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black yoga pants with a white stripe and no shoes!

21. LAST THING YOU ATE? A whole wheat bagel with country crock light and strawberry jelly.

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son singing the Buzz Lightyear song while he is on the potty. He tends to take his time in there.

23 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Dark green

24. FAVORITE SMELL? Spring rainstorm.

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My next door neighbor and best friend other than Sally, Kathryn.

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Their warmth and intelligence.

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole it from Jana’s blog, but of course I like her. She’s hilarious!

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Sweet tea and Porch Punch

Where's # 29??

30. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown

31. EYE COLOR? Very dark brown

32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not any more! Aha, I had Lasik.

33. FAVORITE FOOD? Turkey and dressing

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Either, but I prefer dramas.

35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Elizabethtown

36. COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? white

37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Ugh, anything but winter.

38. HUGS OR KISSES? Do I have to choose?.

39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Chocolate cake with chocolate licing

40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Sweet Caroline, Bringing Up Boys, Cold Mountain.

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My husband’s companny logo.

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? “The First 48” on A & E.

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Kids laughing, wind, rain, cicadas, ocean

44. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Neither!

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Northern California.

46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I write well and I read incredibly fast.

47. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? November 5, 1976 in Gadsden, Alabama.

48.Why did you answer this survey of your self? Because I had to pass the time while my son was indisposed.

After a 6 year old birthday party at "Libby Lu"

Has anyone noticed that there is something going on with girls these days? I mean, I played with dolls and Barbies until I was in middle school. Now days, my daughter's kindergarten class is full of "little" girls who breeze right by the toy aisle to pick out some tight, lowriders with a lacy stretch top complete with some saying like "It's all about me" or "Boys stink" or better yet, "I'm a brat" emblazoned across the chest. Exactly what are we trying to teach our children here? That being an egotistical, spoiled brat is something to advertise? That boys are really inferior and its okay to say mean things about them? Frankly, it scares me. Hallie is one of the 2 or 3 girls in her class who couldn't care less about her clothing and has two pairs of shoes...Sunday shoes and tennis shoes, and neither of them have a 3 inch heel. She wears cute "girly" clothes that I pick out (for the most part), and as long as they are comfortable and include some form of pink, doesn't care. She is more interested in taking care of her baby dolls, riding her scooter or bike or painting another masterpiece for our rapidly decreasing wall space. Maybe it's because I have limited her TV watching to educational shows only, or maybe it's because I am not really into fashion. I don't know, I only know that I want my little girl to stay a little girl until she's not one any more. That's another thing that bothers me. So many of the parents encourage these interests. They actually want their daughters to dress and act like a rock star. They are constantly asking me "How do you get her to dress in such cute little outfits?" I just respond by saying, "because that's all I buy." I just don't get it. Does anyone else out there see this trend or is it just me?

For those of you who don't know, Libby Lu is a store for girls where they do makeovers, sell teeny little outfits, fake hair and various body jewelry. It is mostly for preteen girls, but several 5 year olds are having their birthday parties there.

Here is Hallie after her makeover. Yes, that is blue lip gloss and eye shadow. Thankfully, she refused the fake gem stickers on her face, however we couldn't get around the fake ponytail thing on the back of her head.


Here is the entire group after the "fashion" show. Notice Hallie at the top with a "I'm not really with them" look on their face. I am not including pictures of the fashion show as they include many of the girls performing some very grown up moves in their mid-drift baring outfits. Hallie and her close friends tried to hide behind them.

Okay, I am not trying to throw out a "better than thou" tone here. I don't think these girls are bad, nor are their moms. Many of them are good friends of mine. Maybe I am the one doing something wrong. Who knows? It just seems like they grow up fast enough, why should we rush it? Trust me, I know from experience that rearing teenagers is difficult enough. I am certainly not ready to start it now with my 6 year old.

Thanks Times Two

Thank you for all of your encouraging words regarding Hallie. She has been sleeping much better since Sunday night. Now we need to work on the root of these fears and reducing her rituals and compulsions. Her first therapy appt. isn't until April 25th, so we have a while. I just hope this doctor is able to help her. I haven't totally ruled out medication, but I am going to wait and get the psy. opinion. It seems like whenever we nip one thing in the bud, it is replaced with something else. She now insists on sleeping with a bowl in her bed in case she throws up during the night. She hasn't been sick for months, so I am not sure where this came from, but she panics if it's not there. That's just one example, however I do want to share an experience I had last night. I was watching TLC in bed and all these shows with heartwrenching stories kept coming on and I really had a moment of knowing exactly how small my problems are. I don't have to scrub and cream my children's skin 4 times a day so they won't die from Harlequin-Icthyosis or any other genetic disease. No one in my family weighs 750 pounds and I don't have to watch them die slowly from the effects. I haven't lost a child or had one with a serious illness. I have a loving husband, a beautiful home, 2 precious and healthy children and no need goes unmet. I really don't have anything to complain about. All I can do is just thank God and pray for those who do experience the things above.

Well, this week has been beautiful. We are now officially in shorts/T-shirt weather (my favorite). It is that awesome time of year where the days are warm but not hot and the nights are cool but not cold. We are loving it! Hallie began softball this week so we have really been taking advantage of the weather and practicing a lot. Even Ethan who is only 3 years and 4 months can hit a ball pitched to him. I am impressed, and so is his daddy!

Back to the Land of Reality

Let me first inform you that I am writing this after a night of absolutely NO sleep. Not 3 hours, not one hour, not 30 minutes....NONE. So, if this makes no sense, cut me a break.

We arrived home last night at 10 p.m. and quickly shuffled the kids to bed. We were totally exhausted after 10 hours in a moving motor home and Randy and I went to bed as soon as we could. Unfortunately, Hallie could not sleep and I was up with her until 3:30 a.m. wondering why I had decided against medication again (?). Finally, she calmed down and went to sleep, but I was so worried about her that I could not. I finally just got up and started the day. Needless to say, she did not go to school today. She seems fine now, but I am stressed about bedtime tonight. It is tough knowing that I have genetically passed OCD on to my daughter. It is ten times harder to go through this with my child than myself. I have shed many a tear over this and although I know it could be much worse, I wonder if I am doing the right thing by not medicating her. A six year old on Paxil? I was a teenager before I entered the land of SSRI's. Admittedly, I waited too late, but it just seems wrong to start her on something that may be a lifetime regimen at such an early age. I don't want her to go through her childhood afraid like I did, though. Lord, help me. I need some guidance here.

Well, our trip was wonderful, despite our problems last night and my zombie-like state today. I will recover, though. I have lots of experience in coping with no sleep. Lots.


Family carriage ride through historic Charleston.


















Living here wouldn't suck, would it?

My Scholastic Strength...

I got this quiz from Mel...

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History wForeign language

What Should You Major In?

Well, I guess English is a foreign language to some people...

Charleston, Day 3!!

Today we visited the South Carolina Aquarium and rubbed elbows with otters, sea turtles and a piranha or two.





But first, we had to have a healthy breakfast.



Of course, we also indulged in pralines, fudge and other various health foods. Needless to say, we are enjoying ourselves!!

Spring Break, Yea!

We have been in Charleston, SC for the last two days. We are all having a blast and a much needed break. We have been to an aircraft carrier (USS Yorktown) and today visited a plantation called Middleton Place. Since we visit this town a few times a year, we have been these places before, but it's fun to see the kids getting into it. Here are a few pictures! I will try to post some each day.

Yikes!

School is out this week and Randy is going to Florida to film a piece on his company for a national news network (cool, huh?) so the kiddos and I are heading down to my mama's house. As many of you know, this could be an emotionally traumatic experience, so wish me luck!! I don't do this very often. I will be sleeping in my old room and old bed with some old, not-so-good memories. Please keep us all in your prayers. This filming is a very important event for my husband.

We are all heading to Charleston on Tuesday, so I am just going to focus on that! Since my mom has a crappy dial-up connetion, you won't be hearing from me for a few days. Have good ones!

A Leisurely Day

What a nice, peaceful little Saturday we are having! It's a little cool compared to last week, but still in the 60's and the hubby is trimming shrubs and pressure washing the porches as I write. Today we leisurely laid in bed until 8:00, with Ethan pitter-patting his way in about an hour before. Hallie is at her dad's house, so it wasn't as crowded in our queen size bed as usual. Randy and Ethan played the "mountain" game (a.k.a. Daddy's legs) until hunger drove us all into the kitchen. I am still on my sweet tea strike (the horrors!) so all I had to drink was black coffee and O.J. I went without caffeine at all a couple of days ago and ended up downing Motrin by noon, so I learned my lesson there. It's hard, though, to leave off a drink that I am used to having 3 times a day, but it's worth it, I guess, to lessen my high sugar intake. I'm not really trying to lose weight, but just eat healthier. I am used to eating whatever I want and still weighing 115 pounds, but I don't make very good choices. I suppose the yoga has inspired me.

Anyway, I got this meme the other day, so here it goes!

sat-8 :: spring fever
1. have you gone on spring break before? if so, where, and if not, why?
Well, I don't exactly understand this question. I have experienced spring break every year of my life. My mom taught elementary school and I am used to having a week in spring to just relax and enjoy the weather. I never went any where with friends in high school or college during this time because I was a social loser in high school and married through most of college.

2. do you take a spring vacation?
I do now! Since I married someone who loves travel, especially to historic places, we often go somewhere in the spring. It is usually Charleston, SC (where we were married) or the gulf coast.

3. if you had (or have) a spring vacation, what would be your first choice to do? skiing in vermont? a week in the keys?
Neither one. I would love to go up the East coast and visit all the historical places along the way, i.e. Williamsburg, Jamestown, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, etc. or visit the U.K. for the first time.

4. in your home/apartment, do you do spring cleaning?
Absolutely. Of course, I do summer, fall and winter cleaning, too.

5. in your area, what is your weather generally like in mid-march?
It's usually very finicky. We will have days of temps in the high 70's and awesome breezes and then we might have days where it goes back down into the 40's. However, the trees start blooming at this time and it's usually very beautiful outside.

6. spring is my favourite season ... do you share my sentiment, prefer another season?
I love all the seasons, except I am sick of winter after Christmas (10 days of cold weather is enough for me). I think spring and fall are my favorites with fall having a slight edge since my hubby and I met and courted during that time of year.

7. do you do anything differently in spring than you do any other time of the year? (plant flowers/garden, take off the snow tires, etc.)
I plant flowers and vegetables with my kids and I start leaving the doors open (we have screen doors) to let the smells and air inside the house.

8. what are your plans for this weekend?
To clean my porches, do a little yardwork and ride bikes with the family this afternoon.

My Day and Other Things of Interest (or not)

Today was very tiring. I spent the entire first half of it in the hospital endoscopy department. My MIL has had several colonoscopies lately due to some suspicious findings and today was one of them. Bless her heart, the preparation for those things is horrible. If you don't know, just imagine taking 24 laxatives in 2 hours and then not eating for 24 hours. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Ethan, who is her absolute favorite person in the entire world, has done a lot to get her up and moving. I swear, she just adores that child. They have such an awesome relationship and I am so happy about that. She really is an incredible person and she is not only my mother in law, but one of my best friends as well. How many people can say that! Not many that I know. Well, anyway, we were there for four hours for a procedure that takes about 30 minutes. Yeah, I don't get it either.

After getting my MIL home and in bed, I went to put Ethan down for his nap and put out my Easter decor and framed several pictures. Have I ever mentioned that I have taken over 10,000 pictures in the last five years? It's a good thing I have lots of wall space. I then had to take Ethan to get a very badly needed haircut. His hair has never been in such bad shape. It was so embarrassing that I put a hat on him so I could blame it on hathead. I just hate having it so short, but I have come to realize that I have no choice. My son inherited 3 traits from me and one of them is my curly hair. The other two are my ears and my dimples. In case you've never noticed, Ethan is my husband's clone... a fact that I (and he, of course) love.

Well, I just returned from MIL's house where I took her food and visited a while. I am exhausted so an insightful post will have to wait yet another day, and if you read this far, bless your little heart.

I am 96% Dixie!!!

You have to take this quiz. My score was as follows...

"96% Dixie...Is General Lee your father?"

Well, my dad is no general, but you don't get any more southern than he is. Of course, making everything into a multi-syllabic word doesn't help, I suppose. I love when my stepkids come to visit and I send them home saying "ya'll" and "fixin' to". I am sure that goes over really well at home ;)

A Good Day...

Today was a good day. It's nice to have one of those here and there, isn't it? I mean, a day where you can't think of anything that went wrong. On the average, a vast majority of my days are good, but with their moments of crazy glue incidents, flushed legos and chewing gum/hair affairs. Today had none of those. One thing that made it so great is that I had my Hallie with me. Yes, she played hooky today (shhh!) because we had an appointment at the private school she may attend next year, but we started our day with a mommy daughter breakfast of bagels, OJ and one large glass of sweet tea (that was mine, of course). It was just too warm for my usual coffee this morning. W e have been having temps in the 70's and lots of new blooms. Man, I love this state, but...I digress. Anyway, we then went to the salon where I got the best haircut I have ever had and Hallie was just her sweet and patient self. After a fast lunch at McD's we picked up Ethan and headed over to the Academy. I don't know why, but I was a little nervous. Mostly I was just worried about Hallie's receptiveness to this school since I really feel God is leading us there. Fortunately, she really liked it, especially the beautiful Biblical mosaics on the walls and the small classes. It also helped that after her interview and testing, she got a Tootsie-Pop which she consumed intermittently all afternoon. How many licks does it take to get to the center, anyway? Did that owl ever figure it out? Well, I'll tell you, it's more than she could muster in an afternoon. After we all took a nice little nap, we played games and colored until suppertime which coincided with a brief, but strong thunderstorm. You know, the kind that you can smell all day and that begins with sullen drops of heavy rain, a wind that rattles the windows and an airiness that makes you long for summer and the days of screened doors and long shadows.

Okay, maybe it's just me ;)

Just a Quickie...

Whew...it's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday. I was without internet for almost 48 hours due to our lawn guy severing our cable with his tiller. Talk about withdrawal! I couldn't check the weather (no cable tv either), the school lunch menu, and I actually had to drag the phone book out to look up a number. Can you believe that? The horror. Anyway, it's back now and I am very thankful. Tomorrow my daughter won't have to suffer through vegetable beef soup and I can dress weather appropriately.

I have to go do my yoga, but I did want to update everyone. My husband's biopsies all came back negative...thank God! He is doing much better and so am I! Unfortunately, we are having some issues with Hallie and her dad that have kept me in knots for the last few days, but I don't have time to get into them now, so I will continue tomorrow. Good night!

Randy's First Round of Tests

Hello all! Well, Randy has his endoscopy and biopsies today. Everything went very well. He does have a hiatal hernia which has been causing a lot of his gastric problems. They also biopsied several places in his stomach, but thankfully the doctor says that he doesn't think they are anything to worry about. We will find out in a week at his appointment. Although I am sure things are fine, please continue to pray for him. He has to wait over a month for the next round of testing.

I want to thank all of you for your responses to my last entry. The delurking alone (2 came out of the woodwork!) made my day! It's very heartwarming to know that I have people that I haven't even met rooting for me. And for you new commentors (or is it commentees?), please feel free to do so any time. Or not. Whatever makes you comfortable. I am just thankful to have some readers...especially such caring ones.

Okay, it's family movie night! Got to make the popcorn. A great evening to all and thanks so much!

Purging...

Sometimes I think that I have never known peace. Only in the most divine moments of my relationship with Jesus have I even glimpsed it's misty form. Even as a small child when everyone deserves to feel safe, I didn't. I was always doing something wrong. I wasn't being quiet enough. I couldn't sit still enough. I didn't drink my coke fast enough. My shoes were always untied. My ice cream always ran down my elbow. I chewed my fingernails. I twisted my hair. I bit my lip. Everything I did made life even more miserable for my sad parents. As a result, I have become a woman who often feels like a failure. A woman who expects perfection from myself. A woman who feels worthy of punishment if the casserole is overdone. A woman with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a sister who almost starved to death not once, but twice. I love my mother and I always will. I know her life wasn't easy, but I don't understand her and I don't think I ever will. I have learned how to have a functional relationship with her, but it's not the way it should be. Sometimes I just want a real mother. Someone I could talk to about my children. Someone to lift me up when I am feeling down. I wish I had memories of my mother comforting me. Babying me. Being on my side. I see my friends who have it and although I have learned to live without it, there's a hole that will always be there. I'm very fortunate to have such a loving and caring dad who is also one of my best friends. There will never be an replacement for that. I also know that I am fortunate to have a mother, but sometimes that's just not enough.

Sometimes, I just wish I had a mommy.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm rather handy in the kitchen?

Well, how would you like to sink your teeth into this?


Aha, the lucky members of my small group will have that chance. Unfortunately, the hubby is out of town closing a big business deal. I'll have to save him some...if there is any left. I suppose there are some people who don't like Black Forest Cobbler, but they wouldn't be friends of mine ;)

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Weekend...

Whew...what a nice weekend. It seems like the first time since Christmas we have had a few days with both kids to just relax. Friday evening our friends came over and their daughter (Hallie's best friend) slept over (her first). It was great because the kids played upstairs and the adults got to chat for a few hours. Anyway, Saturday was a beautiful day with temperatures in the 60's so we ended up outside most of the day with all the neighborhood kids ripping and running through the yard. It was the exact scene I had always envisioned when I dreamed about having a family. It just made me very grateful to God for what He has given us. I never want to lose sight of that.

Well, this week will be a busy one. Randy will be out of town for two days and then he has his endoscopy on Thursday. It will last most of the morning and then he will be groggy from the anesthesia for a while. Please pray for a postivie outcome. He is fairly anxious about it. I really feel that everything will be fine, but I am mostly worried about how he will do with the procedure itself. Having a scope going down your throat and into your stomach doesn't sound like an ideal way to spend a morning. Of course it could be worse. Wait, that one is next month ;)

Alright, I am going to end this boring post and go to bed. I hope you all had as good a weekend as I did!

Just a Jana Update

I am happy to report that a few changes are taking place in my life this week. I am beginning a new exercise program that combines yoga and ballet. It is a tough workout, especially in the abdominal and gluteal regions (if you don't know what that is, look it up.), but I am really enjoying it. I used to be a dancer (ballet, not the other kind) and a lot of it is coming back when I do these moves. I feel much more energized and healthy already. I just hope I can stick with it.

I have also begun eating breakfast regularly, which is a big change for me. Usually I am so busy in the mornings that by the time I have a chance to eat, the hunger has turned into an empty knot and I lose my appetite. After realizing that this is probably contributing to the brick wall I run into everyday at 1 p.m. I decided to do something about it. So, this Monday I began by toasting a couple of Kashi blueberry waffles while my son ate his Mini-wheats. Bad idea. I tried to explain that these weren't the "good" waffles that I fed him sometimes. These were "mommy" waffles, chock full of fiber, soy protein and other nutrients. Unfortunately, these notations did nothing to qualm his pleadings. So, on Tuesday I ate a bowl of high-fiber cereal instead. I think I'll eat the waffles when he's not looking. They really weren't too bad, if you like the taste of styrofoam. Of course, anything is good smothered in Aunt Jemima, isn't it?

The last change I have made this week is to join a group called Flylady.net. It is a website dedicated to helping women declutter their houses and their lives. It helps you on this journey by sending you (very) frequent email reminders to form certain routines that help you stay on top of your duties as a mom and wife. It's a great idea and I have learned a lot so far. It has helped me with little things that I don't even think about but that desparately need to be done, like cleaning out my purse and taking 15 minutes to throw away/donate some things that are merely taking up space (i.e. my closet). Fifteen minutes isn't much, but when you do it everyday for a month, it reallys clears out some space. Or at least I am hoping it will. I have only been doing this for two days. The only part I cannot bring myself to do is wear shoes in the house. The idea is that wearing shoes, preferable lace-ups, puts you in a "get things done" mode and inspires productivity. However, I detest shoes and the first thing I do when I walk in the house is to kick them off. I am very uncomfortable in shoes and I don't think that's going to change. So, I am hoping you can be successful at this program without them. Anyhoo, it seems promising and I will keep you all informed of my progress. I know you are just tingling with anticipation.

Okay, gotta go shine my sink.

Just a random picture my daughter took...

Randy and I...aren't we cute? Well, he is anyway. I had to crop this one so you couldn't see my P.J.'s. I don't think I am ready to share that yet!

From Dictionary.com

lurker:
n. One of the `silent majority' in a electronic forum;one who posts occasionally or not at all but is known to read the group's postings regularly. This term is not pejorative and indeed is casually used reflexively: "Oh, I'm just lurking." Often used in`the lurkers', the hypothetical audience for the group's flamage-emitting regulars. When a lurker speaks up for the first time, this is called `delurking'.

The Entwistle Family Web

If you don't know the history of this case, you can read about it here.

It is just beyond the scope of human understanding to see these pictures of a loving mom and baby, and even what appears to be a loving dad, knowing that that same man put them in their grave a few weeks ago. It's obvious that the mom put this website together to showcase her beautiful baby that she was so proud of. I know just how she felt...I have done the same thing. Seeing that child in her Christmas outfit with the green headband and knowing how Rachel had picked that out just for that event and then taken tons of pictures just like any mom does just devestates me. I can completely identify with the feelings that she had. It is obvious from viewing these pictures that this child was her life and that she thought she had a wonderful family. The one of the party welcoming Daddy to the USA is very difficult to see. The table is decorated with a cake and two framed pictures of the family and of Lillian while Neil just sits and smiles. Why would a man who is obviously loved by his wife and child decide one day to shoot them as they cuddled in bed? What was he trying to accomplish? How could he be playing in the floor with his baby one day and killing her the next? How can anyone harm a baby? I just don't understand. If you don't want to be with your family, then just leave. Get a divorce. Go on with your life and allow your family to do the same. Don't deny them and their loved ones the life they deserve. They could've lived without you if you had given them the chance.

This really angers me. What a horrible depiction of human capability. What a waste of precious potential. What a devestating loss.

Inner Conflict...

Whoa, is it almost Thursday already or what? I can't believe how fast the days are flying. Of course, it helps when you have a lot on your mind. This week has been spent oscillating between two schools of thought. "Yes, I definitely want to send Hallie to Christian school" and "No, that's crazy! Why spend an extra $4000 and drive over the mountain 4 times everyday just to avoid a 1:25 student-teacher ratio." Well, right now I am decidedly in the middle of the road on this one. I visited an open house at a private school on Monday after learning that they'll be rolling out the portable classrooms (i.e. trailers) in the Fall and have no plans in the works to build anything. As of now, 4 of the third grade classes are meeting in the middle school and there are 20 pupils in my daughter's kindergarten class...4 more than should be there. With over 200 new students expected next year, we could be looking at 25 students in each of the 7 first grade classes.

This school is awesome in so many ways, which is the reason so many people are moving here and overcrowding it. The education is top-notch (you should see the test scores) the facilities are awesome and new, and the parent involvement is unbelievable. Field trips usually have just as many parents as kids, and so many parents are stay-at-home moms that the pick up line in the afternoon backs up almost two miles and takes over half an hour to go through. I have been very pleased with Hallie's teacher this year. She is very sweet and Hallie has learned so much. She can tell time, count money, add, subtract, and reads on a first grade level. I can't complain about the academics at all. I just worry about my daughter being pushed aside next year and not getting the attention she needs because the frazzled teacher cannot handle the pressure. Hallie is so well behaved that she is the type who could be overlooked in that kind of environment. I don't want that. I also can't dispute the impact of a Christian environment and the positive affects it would have on her character. On the other hand, I don't want her cut off from the friends she has here...the ones she sees at church and in the neighborhood. How could I take her away from Rachel and Shelby? Aaaaargh.

I just don't know what to do. This is really stressing me out. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Other things going on...I am going to be on the small screen again. I will be doing a piece on the World Business Review about navigational software. I am racking up quite the filmography...ha ha.

Hanging On...

Ugh. I am currently on my third antibiotic since my daughter started kindergarten this year. So far I have had tonsilitis, strep throat, a stomach virus and now a sinus infection. I am not the type to overuse antibiotics, either. Oh well. I guess it's to be expected. I am at that school all the time.

Well, my hubby's appointment went okay. He does have to see a specialist on Monday and then have some tests. Thankfully our internist doesn't think it's serious, but because of family history, he has to rule some things out. Thank you for all your prayers and please continue to remember him. He is pretty nervous about it.

Other than our illnesses, things have been going great. I have to share something very cute and funny my son said tonight. He and his dad were in the playroom with all the lights out watching the lightning out of the bay window. Whenever the sky would light up, Ethan would say "It's like morning" or "that was a good morning". When a particularly heinous strike split the sky, he said "Wow, that was good morning like pancakes with syrup!" When a little one showed up, it was just morning "like Cheerios". Is that funny or what? He's just 3 years and 2 months and he already knows opposites, rhyming words and letter sounds. He is amazing. I have nicknamed him "Sunshine" because he is so bright and energetic and loving. He has a killer smile and big blue eyes. He pretty much has us all wrapped around his finger, especially daddy. Those are two peas in a pod if there ever were. I sure do love my "men", and of course, my little girl is second to none and I sure do miss her right now!

Oh, and speaking of cute kids, Sunday is my stepson's birthday, so Happy Birthday to Marshmallow!

My Man...

Well, I am not doing very well today. I am scared, worried and just generally anxious. The object of all this is my husband. He has been having some symptoms for a while now and I finally got him to make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow morning. While I know that there is probably nothing seriously wrong, I can't help but worry. He is the type of person who just puts so much pressure on himself in pretty much everything and this stress is beginning to affect his health. Although he's not old, he is a 45 year old man who owns his own business, spends 8 hours a week on music for our church, and is still a very involved and loving father/husband. All of this adds up to a very demanding life, especially when you give 110% in everything you do. My main concern right now is not a heart problem or colon cancer, although my OCD mind is struggling with that. I just want to do everything I can to make life less stressful for him and I'm not sure how. Music is extremely important to him, not to mention his ministry, so that has to stay. He's in the office from 8:00 to 5:00, hardly taking time to eat until he gets home. He sits in front of a computer all day and the only exercise he is getting is playing with the kids when he gets home. He is very good at coming home and focusing on his family, but I know that all the worries are still inside him. After the kids are in bed is our time to be together to talk and relax. I know this helps, but I just wish I could do more. I know I will feel better when he sees the doctor and has all these tests done. Right now I am just focusing on taking care of him because I know that is what he needs. I took him a healthy lunch to the office today (soup, whole wheat crackers and fruit). I am going to try to do that often. I fully intend to pamper him when he comes home. He works so hard for us and is such a giving man. I just want to do the same for him. He is the most important person to me in this world and I need him to be healthy.

O.K., I guess that is enough of my freak flag for this post. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh, and if you're wondering if I am going to give up blogging, well, that ship has sailed! (i.e. no!)

Please Pray for Hannah

I have been meaning to post this link for a while now and I keep forgetting. This is the website of a precious teenager named Hannah who was in a car accident almost 2 years ago. She survived, but with brain damage and is now in a semi-vegetative state. She recently began to laugh and give consistent responses, but is still not able to sit up or speak. She is from my hometown and home church and, thankfully, is a strong Christian. Her family loves her very much and will do whatever necessary, but they miss their daughter terribly and so much want her healed. Please say a prayer for Hannah!

Thank you so much for your comments, concerns and prayers. It is my hope and belief that God will heal this young woman.

Daddy's Girl

Have I ever mentioned that I am a daddy's girl?

Love ya, dad.

The Next Step

Feeling strange today...I am thinking of giving up the blogging thing. I just don't feel like I have enough time to make it constructive and there are limits to what I can post due to restrictions on poems and stories pending publication. I just don't know if it's worth it. I really feel like no one cares what I write on here anyway. Other than a few lurkers and loyal readers, I am not really doing much with this thing. I am not under the impression that any of you care about Lincoln Log littered floors and my kid's insatiable appetite for fruit roll-ups, or about the tiny little chocolate cake my daughter and I baked in her oven today. Why would anyone really be interested in my valentine window clings or my husband's puppy dog eyes? Let's face it, no one is. I just can't believe that this is worth the time I am putting into it. I read other people's blogs and several of them have all these readers and comments and I am just thinking, okay, what did these people do? Lease a billboard or something? Oh well, we'll see. I guess this just isn't what I thought it would be.

Oh, and even though I know none of you care, I am reading a book by Dr. Laura of all people. It's called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It's a great book. It really validates what I've always said about marriage. Ha, there are a few people I'd like to send a copy to... anonymously, of course.

Signing off now...if I don't come back, thanks for reading this far anyway.

I'm Still Here...

Well folks, no, I haven't dropped dead nor am I in a coma, but I have been horribly sick for several days with the stomach flu. Just imagine all that usually encompasses, add on a few extra days of misery, and voila! That's where I've been. I am recovering, but still lightheaded, weak and about 6 pounds lighter than where I started. So far, no one else in the fam has come down with it, so here's hoping and praying they don't. Oh, and I never, ever want to eat capellini primavera again. Ever. Okay, that's about all I can do for now. I hate that I had to miss church today, especially since my hubby sang/ played a wonderful song. I'll end this entry by pasting in the words to it. It's beautiful.

Rest my child
your safe right here
close your eyes
I see those tears
and I know
how your heart grows tired
of life and its trials

please lie down
still your mind
quiet all your thoughts
and you will find
even though
you're an imperfect child
you're still mine and I love you

Lord I'm just scared and I feel unprepared
and sometimes I just feel like I'm wandering around
and the night feels so cold and my sin grows so old and I
do what I don't want to do
help me hide where I long to abide in the shelter of your love

Hush my Child
fall into my arms
I'll gi ve you rest right where you are
yes I know, you feel lost and alone
let me hold you
how i love you

Lord I'm just scared and I feel unprepared
and sometimes I just feel like I'm wandering around
and the night feels so cold and my sin grows so old and I
do what I don't want to do
help me hide where I long to abide in the shelter of your love

Rest my child
and trust in me
i'll give you life
and everlasting peace
don't you know
from long before time
you have been mine
and I love you

My TV Debut...

Well, today should be interesting. I am actually going to be filming an infomercial this afternoon. Is that hilarious or what? Eight months ago, I had Lasik surgery to eliminate my need for corrective lenses of any kind. I had been wearing glasses/contacts since 5th grade, and for the last five years my eyes could no longer tolerate contacts. My eyes actually began rejecting the foreign body in my eyes and I developed an allergy. Since I hate wearing glasses, I decided to investigate the surgery. When our friend who is a doctor had it done, I decided it was time. So, I had it done and it was amazing. Not only did it not hurt (mildly uncomfortable) but it was over so fast. I will never forget waking up that afternoon at home and being able to see the digital clock for the first time. Ah, the freedom! I no longer have to pack burdensome bottles of cleanser and disinfectant. My eyelids no longer adhere to my eyeballs after 6 p.m. I know longer have to touch my eyeballs every morning and night. It's wonderful.

Okay, well, that was good practice for giving my testimonial this afternoon on camera. Are you convinced? Are you ready to call and make an appointment right this minute? I can't believe I am actually doing this. Anyway, at least it will only be airing on local cable channels in the middle of the night right after the Bun "n Thigh Roller and Dr. Ho's Muscle Massage. At least, that is my sincere hope.

My Daughter's Birthday...

Warning: Don't read this if you're squeamish!

Six years ago today I was in my 24th hour of labor. As a 23 year old who had been married for 3 years, I thought I was ready. I had always felt years beyond my literal age emotionally and I thought, as I did when I accepted a proposal at 19, that I could handle anything that life threw my way. Finishing college while managing a home 60 miles away from school, 300 miles away from any family or friends, and figuring how to be an army officer's wife was not easy, but I managed. After a 6 month "break" from college beginning 5 days after my wedding which included moving to western Oklahoma (which in and of itself was horrifying since I had lived in one house all my life and never been west of the Mississippi)with nothing more than a car full of china, flatware and several sets of sheets, I still graduated a quarter early from my beloved Auburn 3 years later. Even though I loved school, I was ready for whatever lay beyond it, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted a child. Being caught in a loveless marriage will do that to you. Of course, I realize now that's not the best motivation for conceiving, but being young and envisioning the life of bland loneliness that stretched before me, I needed a child to love and care for. So one month after graduation, I saw that famous second blue line in my bathroom and I suddenly had all the excitement I could handle.

From the beginning it was a difficult pregnancy. I bled for the first 3 months and endured the coldness of the military medical system infamously known for "do it yourself" medicine. Of course, I endured it, for the most part, alone. My husband at the time was in the 3rd infantry division which basically meant he was gone 6 months out of a year. At 28 weeks, while he was in the middle of a desert halfway around the world, I went into premature labor. Terrified at spending my first night ever in a hospital, the only people I had to rely on were other the other wives who understood without being told exactly what needed to be done. From these angels, I came to know 2 of the best friends (other than Sally, of course) I have ever known. I credit my ability to endure and remain sane with God and with them.

For the next 3 months, labor would start and after a visit to the hospital and IV medication, it would stop. It was an emotional roller coaster. More than anything, I wanted this baby girl to be healthy. Finally, on the night of January 9th, my visit to the hospital found me to be 3 and half centimeters. I was sent home to wait until I was four. I spent that night walking around the block. I probably made 20 or more trips around Austin Loop in Ft. Benning, GA. The next morning at 6 a.m. it was time to go. Things weren't too bad at first. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and had no medication until I was 6 and half centimeters. At this point, I knew I should get an epidural if I wanted one at all. The epidural itself was nothing, and it did give some relief, even if it was only on one side of my body. The problem was that it halted my labor. So, of course Pitocin was given to speed things along.

Around 9 p.m. after 25 hours of labor, I was fully dilated. It was time to push. I was ready, baby. Exhausted and nervous, I wanted to get started. My family doctor, who was also an angel of mercy, was there. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed....and pushed. Nothing. No movement, no descent. Dr. Clark had tried to prepare me for a C-section since he said I had the "smallest pelvis he'd ever seen". So, after 3 and half hours of merciless pushing and screaming (Oh yeah, they had turned the epidural off hours ago for "incentive".) that's the route we were ready to take. Enter Dr. K. A woman who, if she has a heart, it isn't palpable, being the OB on call who didn't like C-sections. At all. I remember hearing Dr. Clark begging her to prep me for the OR. Nothing doing. Apparently, 3 and half hours of pushing with no progress meant she should try forceps instead. Now being young and in so much pain that I was ready to accept use of a tow truck if necessary, I didn't' know any better. I figured she knew what she was doing. So, after setting up the forceps and counting to three, I pushed as hard as I could. The next few moments are a little blurry in my mind, but I remember the blood. I remember Dr. K getting drenched in it, and I remember the tears in Dr. Clark's eyes. The pain, mercifully, has been etched away from my mind. I remember looking over at my daughter and then people began to rush around. Fast. I needed emergency surgery. A mask was on my face. An anesthesiologist was telling me everything would be okay. Then blackness.

Three and half hours later, I awoke. The force of the forceps had caused severe lacerations and blood loss. My pelvis had cracked. I had more stitches than someone who had a Cesarean. I sat and waited. Waited to see my baby girl. Hours passed. Several residents and interns came to see me. A few colonels with very serious expressions whispered in the hallway. Four hours after my surgery I was finally loaded into a wheelchair and taken to the nursery. My baby was hooked up to more machines than I was. Her oxygen level had dropped and they were giving her antibiotics through an IV as she laid under an oxygen hood. I couldn't hold her, but I will never forget holding her tiny hand and watching her chest move up and down. After a few minutes, I asked "Do you hear that?" and I was gone. The next thing I remember is a nurse pushing me down the hall so fast that I thought I was for sure dying. But no, apparently that is protocol when people pass out.

The next few days were an odyssey of pain, both physical and mental, and joy. Although my body was a mess (fever spike on day 2, constant IV pole went with me everywhere. I named it "Slim") and I passed out daily, I was enamored of my little girl. When we brought her home 4 days later, I couldn't believe how good she was. She hardly ever cried and she slept through the night after only 6 weeks. She was also beautiful. I have always loved babies, but this was the most wonderful experience in the world. Although I had to go back to the hospital twice for complications and I didn't fully recover for a year, up to that point in time, it was the best year of my life. My husband was gone two weeks after she was born and for 4 months out of her first year, so it really was just me and her. Every day was a miracle and she was my pride and joy.

So much has happened in the last 6 years...A divorce that was long overdue, marrying the love of my life, the birth of my precious son, but my daughter is still the sweet little "baby" girl she was then. Her heart is one of immeasurable kindness and she amazes me everyday. This family is my purpose. They are the realization of my dreams. So, I thank God for this opportunity. I thank Him for my daughter. I thank Him for my son. Most of all, I thank Him for my husband who took Hallie's hand and heart four years ago and become her daddy. The one who tucks her into bed. The one who reads to her and acts silly with her. The one who plays with her everyday. The one who has been there for every dance recital, soccer game and bad day.

Thank you, Randy, for being the husband, father and man of my dreams...and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Curse of the Curls

Okay, I am going to rant about something completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but since I just finished my 2 hour hair straightening marathon, I really have a strong desire to share it with you lucky readers. If you have straight hair, thank our Maker now. If you have ever complained about how fine and limp it is and how it just won't hold curl, slap yourself right now and then resume reading.

I was born with no hair at all. For the first two years of my life, my parents heard "what a handsome little boy you have", regardless of the lacy dress and the bow my mother toothpaste onto my head. Yes, she actually did. Then after my second birthday blond curls started growing. Not only was I the only blond Watson (lots o'cherokee blood) but I was the only curly head in my household, having received it from my father (thanks, dad) who didn't live with us and who had started losing his hair by the time I made my debut anyway (He was 37 and balding, yet still incredibly handsome). The curls weren't so bad then. My hair was still rather short and they just sort of arranged themselves. It was a little later when my hair got long and coarse that it got scary. It looked pretty until my mom had my waist-long hair chopped off in second grade. Then it was...well, never the same. Of course, it only got worse when puberty came knocking. Yep, it got even curlier. In seventh grade, I thought getting it cut a inch from my scalp would help. It didn't. Growing it out, however, lent educational experiences in various forms of gel, mousse and how to shake off being called "helmet head" in the midst of middle school which in and of itself is comparable to purgatory.

Finally by high school, I had resigned myself to my fate and learned, more or less, how to do my hair. Looking back, I fondly refer to my style as the "swoopty-do". After drying my curls, I brushed the front over to one side and caught it with a barrette. I then spent great portions of the day pulling my long hair over one shoulder in an effort to keep it out of my face on the side minus the barrette. Hence, the swoopty-do. It really didn't look too bad for the times (early to mid nineties, well, you know) but I was only one of two girls in my entire high school (about 700 people) with naturally curly hair. I know, that doesn't seem statistically logical to me either, but it was true. Since the big hair of the 80's had been replaced with sleek, shiny hair curled with a curling iron (admit it, you had one), I suppose my hair lent a mysterious aspect to my persona, not that I really needed any help in that department. People would tell me "Oh, your hair is so beautiful, I would love to have your curls" and "It must be so nice to just wash it and go". Um, it wasn't...and isn't...and I am certain if anyone had traded hair with me it would've been extremely short-lived.

Well, enter the late nineties, that stupid "Friends" haircut that everyone wanted (me included) and my introduction to straightening lotions and flat irons. Where had these ingenious inventions been during my high school career? At first, I was just happy to have "straight" hair. A few years later when my daughter was born, the time consuming process was a little annoying. After my son was born, it was like "I have hair? Oh yeah." and now I fall into the category of "%@*%&#*...I have to wash my hair tonight". Yes, I have very dry hair and can go a day without washing it. These are my happy days. Ah, an hour and a half of free time. What shall I do? Read a book? Fold laundry? Blog? Pinning that hair up and taking a shower without having to shampoo it, condition it, brush it, put the straightener in it, flip head over, dry the underneath, flip head back over, dry a section at a time with a round brush so big it could (and has) double as a back scratcher, using hair clip apply Biosilk and iron a section at a time, and finally having the hair I desire....is wonderful. However, on nights like tonight, I begrudgingly give in to the desire to have what God did not bestow upon me and I punish myself with a 2 hour work out that raises my core body temperature 5 degrees and leaves my arms completely numb...but, my hair is straight. The thing that has eluded me most of my life is within the realm of reality for about 24-48 hours, depending on the relative humidity.

Ah, you are saying to yourself, "No one is forcing her to do this, why isn't she just happy with the hair she has?", and you're right...sort of. Maybe one day I will stop this insanity and just let my hair do it's electric-outlet-shocking thing for all the world to see. Until then, though, the madness will continue. Why?

Well, I'll let you know when I do.

Not a Problem...

Hey Jana! Wipe that sheepish grin off your face. You are one of my most loyal readers and you have the coolest name on the planet. Thanks for being the one of two people who actually comment on my random thoughts. Keep it up! It makes me feel like at least one person is listening. We frustrated writers have to stick together!

Besides, you're not the one who accessed my blog 12 times yesterday. I know who that was, and they need to get a life!

Lexapro, anyone?

I always do this in January. Christmas is over, my stepkids have gone home, the weather is crap, and my daughter will be going back to school...I'm still not quite used to her being gone until 2:30 everyday. Spring, of course, is months away. Call it what you want, but it feels like depression to me. Not to mention Auburn got stomped today in the Capital One Bowl. I caught the last half waiting at the airport with A, and it wasn't pretty. Oh well, what do I care about Wisconsin. I don't know anybody from Wisconsin. Anyway, the worst part of today was saying goodbye to A and watching her walk through security until she was out of sight. It's really difficult to have these kids live so far away. We practically have to pry her off of us and onto the plane. Geez, I can't think about this right now. It's just too much.

Well, sorry this post is so dreary. I'll get over all this, it just takes a little time. Happy New Year, everybody!

Happy New Year...almost!

I trust everyone had a wonderful Christmas and has big plans to ring in the new year! We had the best Christmas ever. I say that every year, but it's true! After spending Christmas Eve with my parents, we came back and stayed up til 2 a.m playing Santa and googing around with the teenage girls. We finally had to send them to bed so Santa would set out their gifts. Christmas morning was awesome, even though we had to drag the older girls out of bed at 7:00. The kids were thrilled with their gifts and sat patiently and attentively through the reading of Jesus's birth. I had prepared Christmas dinner alone this year, and even though it was a lot of work, it was definitely worth it! The last several days have been all about my 16 y.o. stepdaughter whom I adore. There just aren't many kids like this one. She and I bonded immediately 4 years ago and have been very close ever since. She became a Christian here a couple of years ago and since she isn't able to attend church at home, we always have lots of things to talk about. We have all had a blast hanging out and I shudder to think she has to leave in a couple of days.

Well, New Year's Eve for us will involve ordering pizza and watching movies with our kids. At midnight, of course, we will watch the ball drop, exchange kisses and hope the kids sleep til ten the next day.

Happy New Year!!!!

Merry Christmas to All!!!

I just wanted to say to all my readers (especially those who comment!).....Have a wonderful, inspiring Christmas and please take the time to say a prayer of thanks to our Lord for His "inderscribable gift" this season!

Titles Are Overrated

Um, has it been like, forever since I wrote something meaningful and inspiring? Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. I can't seem to get past the events of the holidays. This is my fave time of year, but these last few days (a.k.a. crunch time) is when I start to get a little freaked out. I will get over it by Christmas Eve, but right now I am just wondering, what if everyone hates their gifts? Did I forget anyone? In my wrapping of about 70 + gifts, have I somehow mislabelled anything? Will there be a turkey left in Publix if I wait til Friday in an attempt to get a fresh, never frozen variety? Will the dressing turn out okay? Am I doing enough baking, decorating, etc. to make wonderful memories for the kids? Will all the flight schedules stay in place in my brain so no one will miss a plane? Most importantly, will the children who are now sick be well by Christmas? One threw up several times this morning and one now has a hacking cough and fever. Thankfully, not the same one. Okay, well, I had a single glass of wine this evening with dinner and now I can hardly type. Can we say low tolerance?

Okay, now I just have to vent about a few things in the media, so bear with me...

Intelligent design banned from schools? Don't even get me started.

" When challenged by skeptics to prove the existence of a Creator scientifically, Dr. Wernher Von Braun, the "Father of the American Rocket and Space Program," said, "Must we really light a candle to see the Sun? The electron is materially inconceivable, and yet it is so perfectly known through its effects that we use it to illuminate our cities, guide our airliners through the night skies and take the most accurate measurements. What strange rationale makes some physicists accept the inconceivable electron as real, while refusing to accept the reality of a Designer on the ground that they cannot conceive of Him? The inconceivability of some ultimate issue (which always will lie outside scientific resolution) should not be allowed to rule out any theory that explains the interrelationship of observed data and is useful for prediction." [1] To simply dismiss the concept of a Creator as being unscientific is to "violate the very objectivity of science itself." [1] While we may not be able to comprehend knowledge of a Creator, we certainly can apprehend it. "


1. Originally published in Edward F. Blick's Special Creation vs. Evolution, 1988, pp. 29-31.

Enough said, thank you.

Just Checking In...

If you're missing me, I can be found under a gigantic pile of wrapping paper, ribbons and baked goods...a little delirious but happy.

Tomorrow is our church small group (who is like family) party. I can't wait! Besides the fellowship and food, we get to play "Dirty Santa" which is always fun. Each couple brings one good gift and one gag gift, so you never know what you'll wind up with. Last year Randy and I came home with a beautiful angel candle holder and a baseball cap with reindeer antlers on top. I can't wait to see who winds up with our gag gift this year. You never know when a Shrek Chia Pet will come in handy!

Ha! Hallie has been begging to open a gift for weeks and I just told her she could open one when her stepbrother is here next week. She just informed me that I am the best person in the world, other than God and Jesus. Is that funny or what?!