Feast or Famine

It's always one or the other around here. At least this summer, anyway. I either have 3 or 4 children to care for and more activities than I can handle or it's just me and my two children rattling around this house with no reason to get out of our pajamas. Honestly, I handle the former situation much better. I am a gem when it comes to chaos. I have people ask me all the time, "How do you do the summers? How do you do Christmas? How do you feed, bathe and bed all those kids? How do you do all the holiday shopping?" Well, it's a lot of work, but that is where I shine. I'm all about a flurry of activity. I'm all about baking cookies, pillow fights, bubble baths, cooking big meals, late night girl talks and I can find, purchase and wrap the 35 odd Christmas gifts with perfect timing and accuracy. I may be stressed during all this. I may talk about how busy I am. I may even border on obsessive perfection in my expectation of myself. However, I am happy. I am ecstatic. I have purpose. I am doing something that wouldn't get done without me and it feels good. It's a feast of necessity and rising to the occaision. What I don't handle so well is the famine. After the kids are gone, or between their visits this summer, it's all I can do to go a day without crying. I get so sick of being in the house, but I have no where to go. I am not good at creating purpose. Not that I don't have tons to do to my house, but that's not exactly what I mean. I spend the mornings reading, painting, coloring with the kids. We play word games. We do flashcards. We play Hi Ho Cherrio and Chutes and Ladders. The kids do their chores. I inspect and praise their work. I do my chores, although I can't ever seem to get caught up. I am devouring a book a day instead of sleeping. Maybe it's because I have more time to reflect on my shortcomings. Maybe I miss the kids. Maybe I am just spending too much time in my house. Probably, it's a combination of all these things. Whatever it is, I am sinking into a depression and I don't want to go there. Randy wants me to increase my medication, but he doesn't understand that I can't do that. That will only prove that I am failing at something I should be able to do.

Alex is coming today. I can't wait to see her. Of course I will pull it together. I have a whole list of things for us to do. I just wish I wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I wish I could cut myself the slack I cut others. Oh well, live and learn. I will keep trying.

A Royal Proclamation

An excerpt from an MSN article on the royal geneology of us all...

"Take King Edward III, who ruled England during the 14th century and had nine children who survived to adulthood. Among his documented descendants are presidents (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Zachary Taylor, both Roosevelts), authors (Jane Austen, Lord Byron, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning), generals (Robert E. Lee), scientists (Charles Darwin) and actors (Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, Brooke Shields). Some experts estimate that 80 percent of England's present population descends from Edward III."

Why is this interesting? Because Alfred Lord Tennyson is my great, great, great uncle. So, apparently, I am also a descendent of Edward III. Of course, it also means that I am related to virtually all of England. So, actually, if we are all royal, then essentially, none of us are. A nice concept on our country's birthday, don't you think?

Happy Fourth of July to all of you and although I am bleary eyed from staying up late watching the History channel American Revolution specials, I am feeling pretty good on this special day because I LOVE my country and whether it's my late grandfather who commanded a navy ship in World War II, my great times 6 grandfather who fought the British in 1776, or my Cherokee great grandmother, I am proud of my heritage... and whether your family came over on the Mayflower or you are a naturalized citizen, you can be, too.

Oh, and if you're British, well, don't feel bad. We're still family.

Summer So Far

It's supposed to be that slow time of year when the pressures are down and the days are so long you have trouble filling them with anything essential, so you end up buffering the dental appointments and ballgames with huge home-cooked meals, lots of homemade ice cream and long spells on the porch swing. Well, let's just say that around here, summer is the busiest time of year. Since I know you are all just dying to know how I've spent the last month, let me recap that for you.

After school was out in mid May, we took a family vacation to Destin, FL and visited with my best friend. It was the best trip the four of us have ever had. After we returned home, we had to live with my mother in law for five days while the inside of our house was painted. When we moved back in, I had to spend several days putting furniture back in place and obsessively scrubbing my bathrooms where the painters had marked their territory in classic canine style. About this time Marshall came for his visit and Hallie's Bible school began at church. The next week Ethan, Marshall and I had Bible school where high drama ensued when I didn't make enough bunny rabbit cookies to feed the adult volunteers. Yes, you read that correctly. Adults were complaining because they had to eat popcorn and drink water while the children got to eat "cool" snacks and drink grape Kool-aid. Baffling, huh? I've taught Bible school for 13 years and never once expected a snack. Hmm... Anyway, back to my summer. My stepdaughter, Jessi, came a couple of weeks ago and Marshall went back home last Thursday. We left for the beach Thursday afternoon and here I am, home again after an eight hour drive. Tomorrow Hallie starts art camp and Jessi goes home at the end of the week. The beach was fun, but we had to stay in Panama City, which isn't the best place to stay with kids...lots of drunk college students and bikers. We ended up driving into Destin every day to do stuff. It was kind of a spur of the moment trip. You know, it's a lot harder to entertain a 13 year old than a 5 year old. A trip to the Space Center was huge for the little ones. For a teenager that lives in San Diego where she has a moped, cell phone, laptop and horse, the Space center is just one big yawn. Don't get me wrong, Jess doesn't put these expectations out there, I do. I guess I just feel responsible for making every moment the kids are here sensational. I know that's not possible, but I can't help it. It's hard to only have them for such a short time.

I did have an excellent drive home today. I drove the van solo while Randy drove the RV and of course, the kids wanted to ride in it. That was fine. I needed some time alone. I can't remember the last time I was alone. It felt strange but wonderful. I took all the backroads and rolled the windows down. As the pastures and fields and silos went past I felt a strange stirring inside. I started remembering summers past and somehow it's all tied up with lightning bugs, creamed corn, fried okra, crickets, steamy asphalt, cold rivers, barefeet, church socials, biting into a fresh peach, baiting my hook, huge slices of ice cold ripe tomatoes, squeaky screen doors and snow cones. It made me long for all of these things and as I drove I hoped that one day my kids will be doing something that brings back similar feelings of nostalgia. I know some things are different now, but I have such rich and vivid memories...memories that connect me to things far beyond myself. These are the best kind.

Out of Town...again...

...but I'm not complaining. We are vacationing with my stepdaughter, Jessi (lives in San Diego), who had never seen the gulf coast. She loves it and we are having a wonderful time. Of course, it's hard not to love the white sand and emerald water. I can't believe how fast the summer is going. It's been a whirlwind!


Jessie...isn't she a beauty?

Still Kickin'

For those of you wondering...yes, I am still alive and no, I haven't given up on blogging. I'm just consumed with two consecutive weeks of Bible school and the three kiddos at home. It's been great, though, and now I have my (almost) 13 year old stepdaughter here, too, and we have lots of "girl" plans.

Okay, just a quickie this time. I have to get supper on the table and prepare to make 88 "Rosa Rabbits" out of various food items (sugar cookies, apple slices, etc.) for the preschoolers tomorrow. Hope everyone had a wonderful Father's Day!! Later....

Better

Okay, I am feeling a little better today. I think yesterday was just the first day of the summer so far where the kids and I have been stuck in the house with nothing to do. There has been so much going on and we had been so busy that it was somewhat of a letdown to not have something major to accomplish. I do miss writing and will probably have to start all over with my career in a couple of years, but I wouldn't trade being home for anything. My kids are growing up so fast and I know I only have a few more years to enjoy this stage of their lives. I've experienced parenting of preteen/teenagers and lets just say I am content to let that phase wait waaaaaaaaaaaay out there in the distance for now.

At this moment, there are five children in my care which may seem stressful, but actually makes it a little easier. At least my kids have someone to play with besides each other and me! I might even get to sort through the pile of mail and target bags on my dining room table.

On a happy note, Marshall will be coming tomorrow so we are all excited about that. Ethan has been asking for weeks when he'll be here and some times he'll look at me with his bottom lip poked out and say "I miss Marshall, Mama." He really looks up to his big brothers. Hallie, of course, loves him just as much, but she can understand the meaning of "one week" or "5 days" a little better.

Okay, gotta go check on the kids. Hallie seems to be holding her own up there with four boys, but then again, when does she ever have a problem with that ;) ?

The Blues...

Wow, I keep meaning to write, but I just never have a moment any more. Who was I kidding when I said I hoped to write more this summer? That's just not realistic. I'm either cleaning up a mess while the kids make a new one, at the grocery store, folding laundry or refereeing a squabble. I am thinking about incorporating a coach's whistle into my daily routine. Just kidding...

I guess I just feel that all the work I do gets undone in the blink of an eye and leaves me feeling like I have no real purpose. My writing career has gone down the tubes in the last few years and although it's a sacrifice I chose and want to make, it's still disheartening at times. Why did I study under some of the best poets in the southeast for four years? Why did I fall asleep on my keyboard at 3 a.m. every night for two years? I keep thinking one of these days I'll have more time and it just never happens. I used to pound out a poem, story or review once a week. People used to pester me for my writings. Those days are long gone, I guess.

Okay, I think I have a case of the stay at home mom blues. I couldn't bear to have it any other way, but I just feel this way some times. Is this normal?

Home Sweet Home!

Wow! We are finally back in our house after a two week "vacation" while the interior was painted. Talk about a mess! It's amazing how much dust can accumulate in 12 days. Not to mention the furniture is out of place and the painters "used" our bathrooms and kitchen and let's just say they could use some instruction in cleanliness. Although the walls look awesome, getting the house livable again is going to take days. Not that I am complaining...I love our house. I just stay very busy keeping it in shape and a task like this seems monumental. It's coming along, though, and I am very excited about the way it looks. Paint can really change things.

Other news...my stepson, Scott, is doing so great that I have to share. As some of you know, we have been through a lot with him. After many attempts to pass his junior year of high school, we finally realized passing his GED was his best option. He did so very easily since he is quite intelligent. He tried junior college for a while but that didn't last either. Finally, he was out on his own living with some friends and going from one dead end job to another. It was painful for us to know that he was headed down this path, but since he was an adult we were powerless to stop him. After much prayer, Randy offered him a job a few months ago working with him and, thankfully, he is doing fantastic! He is also living with some very nice friends (college students we hope will be good influences) and seems to have turned a corner toward maturity. He really seems happy and to love his job. Scott and I have always been close and he has been a great brother to Hallie and Ethan. We are just so happy that he has settled down and is succeeding in life. Trust me, we spent many sleepless nights worrying our heads off about him and it is so nice to actually breathe a sigh of relief. I am trying not to overdo it since I know life can change rapidly, but I really feel that this is it for Scott...that he has found his niche. Of course, Randy is loving it since he gets to see him everyday and I tease them about talking "shop", but I am really proud.

Okay, enough. I have to get back to work. Have a great weekend!

Checking In...

Uh oh, I just don't know if blogging is going to fit into my summer schedule. Between painting the house, migraines, preparing for VBS, impetigo in Randy's nose and eye and various other daily dramas, it just isn't happening. I miss it, I really do, but right now we are staying at my mother in law's house while our interior is being painted and that means no internet connection...to speak of, anyway. I love my MIL dearly, but her house is 1300 square feet and wasn't meant for the five of us. My 6'4" hubby and I always sleep close, but sqeezing into a full bed wedged in a corner and getting good sleep is asking for too much. I turn my head one way and the wall is in my face. I turn it the other and my nose is buried in Randy's back or neck, either of which deprives me of oxygen. There is a fan in there somewhere, but I only feel wafts of it when sit up in bed, which isn't a good way to sleep. So, needless to say I am tired and irritable. I am also complaining way too much. Moving on...

Our house is looking awesome, even if the painting is taking forever. I can't wait for it to be finished. It needed paint in a very bad way since the original contractor-grade paint had been through 10 kids and 8 years of wear.

I am also getting ready to celebrate my fourth wedding anniversary next week. We usually go out of town, but since we just got back I don't think that is plausible. Just an evening and night alone with my sweetheart would be nice, but we'll see. He always has something special planned. I am the luckiest wife on the planet!

Well, I better get back to the 1300 square feet of familial bliss. Just kidding, it's not that bad...after the RV it feels like a castle.

So, I don't know when I can write again, but maybe it won't be too long. I hope everyone had a great Memorial weekend. Take care!

Some Pics from Destin, FL

Yikes!!

Okay, I got a wild urge today to greatly reduce the stress in my life. Since the kids have to stay (kidding of course) I decided to get rid of some hair. It is way shorter than I expected, but I kind of like it. At least it won't take me 2 hours to dry it any more...hopefully.



Yes, this is a cheesy self portrait, but it gives you an idea anyway. I am still in shock that I did this. I hope I don't regret it in a few hours!

So It Begins...

Wow, I cannot believe this is the last day of school. Hallie will be here any moment and I am really looking forward to having her home all summer. Of course, I am sure I will be ready for school to start again come August, but at least for now we have lots of warm (hot) summer days full of swimming, picnics, sprinklers, cook-outs and best of all, sleeping in!! The summer will also bring all the kids and a few vacations. We will be going to Florida on Saturday for 5 days. Here's hoping the RV doesn't break down this time! Hopefully the summer will also bring a little more time for writing, especially on my other blog. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind on that one. I also need to focus on my poetry. It suffers greatly during the school year because it is so time consuming. I am hoping to have some more things ready for publication by the Fall. We'll see!

Well, I have to go wait for the bus. I hope everyone has a great day!!

Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day ever yesterday. Randy, being the sweet thing that he is, cooked an entire meal for our family and wouldn't let his mom or I help at all. The food was delicious and it sure was nice having the day off from the kitchen! I also received a potted palm tree and several smaller potted palms for the pool area. They look awesome! Here are pictures from our day.

First Karate Lesson...

Today Randy gave the kids their first karate lesson. He is teaching Hallie and Ethan as well as four other children. So far they have learned two stances and two blocks and are very excited with their newfound knowledge. Of course, it's all sooooo serious, but I think they just look so cute in their gis and I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures. Shhh....

The Door is Never Closed

I cannot express how much God is blessing me through this book…

“Why is it such good news? I never need to fear and say, "Oh, I dare not go to God, because I just told a lie. I just lost my temper. I just deceived that person. Oh, I have no right to ask God to help me now because I failed in that task." If my righteousness comes by my works, then Satan can bar the door to God practically all the time, because I am never doing as much as I feel I should. I am never as good as I know I ought to be. I haven't achieved my super-ego. I haven't lived up to my own standards of what I feel is right. Because I have failed to achieve those ideal standards, Satan will use my failure to keep me from coming to God. "You have no right to ask God to help you when you have just failed Him again. You know your action is displeasing to God, yet you did it anyhow. Now you're in trouble and now you want God to help you. You think He is going to listen to you? No way!"
Satan can always bar the door to God if he can cause me to look within myself and at myself. But if I am looking to Jesus Christ and I realize that I am accounted righteous because of my faith in Christ, Satan can never bar the door.
Certainly, I am not yet all that God wants me to be. Far from it! But thank God, I am not what I was. Even in my present state of imperfection, God looks upon me and accounts me righteous and holy. That is why I never want to be caught anywhere except in Christ Jesus. We must never see ourselves apart from Him.”

From, Why Grace Changes Everything, By Chuck Smith, http://www2.calvarychapel.com/?show=Resources.Ebooks.whygracechangeseverything

Legalism…I have been bombarded with it my entire life. Yes, I was taught about the grace of God and the plan of salvation, but so much focus was on my behavior, my actions, my SIN, that I always felt this barrier had been placed between me and my Savior. I knew that my salvation was through God’s grace and not by my actions, but knowing that and living it are two different things. I was always taught that yes, grace saved me, but after that it was up to me to live according to certain rules to stay close to God. If I failed in this (which, of course I would) God would be disgusted with me. Not that I wouldn’t still be saved, but that, like an angry person (once again, humanizing God), He just wouldn’t be on speaking terms with me. This set me up for complete failure and alienation from the thing I need more than anything else…communication with God. Would He really do this? Save me and then withhold His companionship because I misbehaved? Of course not, but that is what I believed. I believed that His grace was only good enough to get me through the gates of Heaven. To be close to Him and receive His blessings, I had to live up to a standard of righteousness. But it is through GRACE that we are saved AND that we commune with God. He looks on us as pure and on our faith as sufficient. The door is never closed, no matter what we struggle with, if our faith is in Him. If I can accept this, I know peace will be mine and Satan can no longer prevent me from going to our Lord for any reason at any time. Who knows what God can do with me if I make myself available?
Seeing myself apart from God, even as a Christian, was self-inflicted punishment for my inability to be perfect…a punishment that goes against the very essence of salvation. God saved us because He wanted to be close to us, not so that we could spend the rest of our lives trying and failing to earn what we can never deserve. We must never draw that line between ourselves and our Savior. It is a line Satan will dance upon.

Weekend

For those of you who are wondering, I am still here. It's been a strange weekend. The kids are visiting their grandparents and Randy and I have been doing some spring cleaning, i.e. clearing out closets for a massive transport of stuff to the Salvation Army. Since we are having our interior painted in a few weeks, we really needed to reduce the amount of "stuff" or "crap", however you want to say it, in our house. Seriously, I had no idea the amount of things we own that we do not need in any form. I found my prom dress hanging in my closet. My prom dress, people. That was over ten years ago. What was I saving that for? Did I think I might throw that on and wear it out to dinner some time? Then there's the maternity clothes. Note to self: hubby had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I think we can safely say there will not be a need for those any more. I also found several other useless items: a busted VCR, half a package of newborn diapers, a half eaten box of valentine candy, a couple of old purses with pieces of petrified chewing gum inside, and several flip-flops without a match. Of course, that was just my side of the closet. Randy found all kinds of fun items, including some very "groovy" items of clothing. Needless to say, this project was way overdue.

It was really weird not having the kids around. Not only did I miss them, but I kept feeling like I left them some where. We'd be in the car and I'd turn around and panic for a second because they weren't there. I turned the monitor on at night and each morning I woke up thinking, man, they sure are being quiet. I know we needed this weekend, but I can't help but feel a little empty. I have never been away from them for more than a couple of days and even that feels like a long time. On a happier note, have any of you ever seen the movie Napolean Dynamite? Okay, this is the funniest movie I have ever seen. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I mean, this movie is genius. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it, but only if you ever had a Trapper Keeper, played tetherball, drew unicorns or ran for class president. If you didn't, this humor may be over your head.

Change...

The last two days have been the beginning of a spiritual journey for me...one that I hope is long and fruitful. So many things have been revealed to me about myself and my own frame of mind concerning Jesus and my relationship with Him. So much of my life has been about what I am not...how I have failed others...how I have failed God...what I have done wrong. It was a precept that was hammered into my brain from infancy. I have tried so many times to deserve God's grace, but of course, that never happens. Because of my guilt and feelings of failure to keep His law and my own codes, I maintain this distance from Him. Whether it is hurting someone else or merely praying in the wrong order, I feel that God must be, has to be angry with me for my shortcomings. For many years I have started over, tried again, and consistently broken the rules time and time again and ended up right back where I began. This is not the way God intended for me to relate to Him and I know it. I just have to let go of this mindset that somehow God is constantly evaluating me and accept that He is constantly loving me instead. My children break the rules all the time; does that mean that I would prefer they never talk to me because my disappointment is so great in them? Of course not. That is ludicrous. I know God loves me so much more than I, or any human, can love another person. Surely He desires no less from me, His child. In our humanity, we hang on to our sin like it is something precious. Because, without God's help, we cannot forgive others when they hurt us we feel that God must have the same problem. We are seeing Him as a man instead of the glorious and righteous God that He is. Loving us despite our failures is what He's all about. He doesn't have to work at it the way we do. He doesn't have to remind Himself, "Oh yeah, I forgave her for that. I have to stop thinking about it." It is this awesome love and mercy that is so hard for me to comprehend, but I want to. I want to live a life that is free of rules. I want to live a righteous life because of my immense love for Jesus, not because I am trying to earn anything. I prayed this morning for God's help in this. I need Him to help me understand and accept the depths and permanence of His mercies and love. I asked Him for more. More of what only He can give.

This morning after my prayer I went to the Calvary Chapel website because they have several devotional resources. This is the first thing I came across. I have never needed to hear something so badly. I know God's hand lead me here.

Why Grace Changes Everything

As Paul said in Philippians 3:8-9...

"...that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Thanks for listening.

Just some fun little blogthings...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

I got tagged with this, so here goes...

1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"terrace, then entered the Bon Caffe. I continued to count the bell towers" Beach Music, Pat Conroy

2) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Um, the air

3) What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A documentary on the Shroud of Turin.

4) WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
9:30

5) Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
9:14

6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My husband playing his keyboard

7) When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped outside an hour ago getting out of the car. I had been to the store.

8) Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
An email from my stepdaughter

9) What are you wearing?
jeans and a pink shirt

10) Did you dream last night?
Of course...something about whipped cream. Don't ask.

11) When did you last laugh?
A few minutes ago when my husband did a Napolean Dynamite impersonation.

12) What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint and windows. It's a sunroom with very little wall space.

13) Seen anything weird lately?
My stepson's myspace page.

14) What do you think of this quiz?
The first question was interesting.

15) What is the last film you saw?
"Deeply"

16) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A house on the Battery in Charleston, SC

17) Tell us something about you that we don't know.
I have to carry an Epipen with me everywhere.

18) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Make terrorists disappear.

19) Do you like to dance?
Love it.

20) George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I think he's a human being with good intentions.

21) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
She was. Her name is Hallie. If I had another girl, she would be Francie, a name from my favorite novel.

22) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Well, if Hallie had been a boy she was going to be named Hayden.

23) Would you ever consider living abroad?
No, I love the US of A.

Hallie's note to Mom...

Hallie knew I didn't feel well today so she wrote me this message on her magnadoodle all by herself.

"I love you, Mom. I hope you get better."

I am already.