What Next...

Okay, so slap me. It's been forever since I've posted. I have no excuse other than life just throwing one thing after another our way. I think putting things in writing sort of forces us to accept them as fact and frankly, there's a lot lately that I'd rather leave in the realm of distant possibility as opposed to stark reality. However, I know that you can't make it to the other side of something until you face it, so here I go.

The last few months have been difficult. My step-grandmother died of ovarian cancer only a week after being diagnosed in March. This was very hard for my parents. My unlce died after a long battle with bladder cancer in April. This was especially difficult because Jerry was only 18 months older than my dad and he was also his best friend. His death was very hard for my dad and it was difficult to see him in pain. I think that it was also hard for me, not only because I loved my uncle, but because it really made me realize that it could have been my dad. Not that I haven't faced that possibility before. My dad had a rare forom of throat cancer in 1986 (occupational exposure related). I remember being scared to death. However, he not only survived, but thrived for the next 21 years. In 1988 my mom had a primary coronary spasm resulting from extreme stress (self inflicted though it was). I witnessed this at age 11 and was extremely traumatized by it. Since then, my mom has also survived breast cancer...twice (note to self: don't take HRT for ten years). Throughout all this, I've cried, kicked, screamed, prayed, and learned how to take care of sick people (and how to appreciate hospital waiting room coffee.) I've also developed an overly acute sense of dread and fear of loss. Of course, it's also had some positive impact on me, I suppose. I have to say, though, that I really thought I was due a few years without one of my parents having a life threatening illness. I was wrong about that....as people often are when they feel entitled to something.

My dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma last week and here I am again, feeling like a scared little girl who's world is being turned upside down. I got so stressed that I developed Shingles, which in and of itself, falls pretty hard in the non-fun category. It's nothing compared to what my dad's going through, though. Thankfully, my dad is the most positive person I know. He has a great attitude and has never let anything get the best of him so far. I know he'll fight this with all he's got and deep down, I know he's going to be okay. I really feel that. I've spent a lot of time in prayer and God has given me peace about this, and He knows better than anyone that peace doesn't come easy for me. So, I'm thankful for that. I'm trying to learn a lesson from my dad. I don't believe in sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I never have. I'm trying to focus on the positive. Sometimes I just need a little extra push to get me there. I usually get that push from my dad. This is no exception.