Sometimes I think that I have never known peace. Only in the most divine moments of my relationship with Jesus have I even glimpsed it's misty form. Even as a small child when everyone deserves to feel safe, I didn't. I was always doing something wrong. I wasn't being quiet enough. I couldn't sit still enough. I didn't drink my coke fast enough. My shoes were always untied. My ice cream always ran down my elbow. I chewed my fingernails. I twisted my hair. I bit my lip. Everything I did made life even more miserable for my sad parents. As a result, I have become a woman who often feels like a failure. A woman who expects perfection from myself. A woman who feels worthy of punishment if the casserole is overdone. A woman with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with a sister who almost starved to death not once, but twice. I love my mother and I always will. I know her life wasn't easy, but I don't understand her and I don't think I ever will. I have learned how to have a functional relationship with her, but it's not the way it should be. Sometimes I just want a real mother. Someone I could talk to about my children. Someone to lift me up when I am feeling down. I wish I had memories of my mother comforting me. Babying me. Being on my side. I see my friends who have it and although I have learned to live without it, there's a hole that will always be there. I'm very fortunate to have such a loving and caring dad who is also one of my best friends. There will never be an replacement for that. I also know that I am fortunate to have a mother, but sometimes that's just not enough.
Sometimes, I just wish I had a mommy.
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3 years ago
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5 comments:
I wish I had some words of wisdom or something but I don't. All I can offer is many hugs and prayers that maybe one day the Lord will soften her heart and show her the damage she's done and continues to do.
I have had some similar experiences. My mother too has made me feel quite guilty and loathsome.
I turned her over to God some years ago and she is becoming a better person. She still has her "evil" moments. I pray that someday you will be able to restore your relationship with your mother because I know how important to feel like you have a mom.
If you ever need to talk let me know!
Yes, I am one of the lurkers who finally choose to post. I can't even remember how I stumbled upon your site. I do have to say that after all that you have written....you are DEFINETLY not your mother. You seems so warm and like such a loving mother and person. I grew up in a similar situation as you and thank goodness my mother now resides in Europe. Every couple of years she gets to see her grandsons (2 and 4). Don't ever let your mother think you are unworthy. My mother used to spew to me all her horror stories about being a refugee in Germany which is tragic but for a 6 year old it is unacceptable. Just continue living your life loving yourself, your spouse and your beautiful children. They are so lucky to have you. By the way, love your blogs. You are such a pleasure to read about.
Wow, thanks to all of you. Your comments mean a lot to me. I am usually better at dealing with this issue, I just have moments where I really neeed a mom who is on my side.
BTW, thank you to my anonymous commentor. You made my day! Feel free to lurk any time.
I am also one of the lurkers who frequently reads your blog. I cant imagine my life without my relationship with my mother.Its sad to hear that yours is this way. I wish you the best of luck, and can only say continue to put all your faith in God, he will guide you.
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