My DNA and other ways I'm wasting my time (and money)...

If there were a DHR for blogs, I'd be in trouble. I know...Baby Breaths has been woefully neglected, but I did want to drop in and say hello. As you can guess, I've been busy. Not only have I been wrapping and decorating, but I have also delved into my genealogy project from a few years back. I know, great timing, huh? But, an opportunity arose for me to do some in-depth analysis thanks to my DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) member cousin and I have been able to trace several branches of my family tree 8+ generations all the way back to Scotland, Ireland, England and Germany. Oh, and thanks to 3 certain individuals I could theoretically join my cousin in the DAR. Of course, a sizeable portion of my ancestors are natives to this land and tracing them is a whole other issue. I was given the opportunity to take an ancestry DNA test recently (long story) and there weren't many surprises there...77% European, 22% Native American and 1% African. I always knew my dad's family was Cherokee but the African was interesting. I need to do some more digging!

Okay, well enough about my ancestry. I am sure it's like looking at pictures of someone else's vacation...you don't really care. Hey, at least on the internet you don't have to feign interest. Anyway, I have lots of pressing things to do at the moment, like watching "24" in bed with a bag of Gummi Savers. Yeah. Like I said, I'm busy.

To blog or not to blog...

...that is the question. I'm entering that season of the year where I barely have time to shower, much less write random observations on life. I thought if I started Christmas shopping in August that I would actually have time to savor my favorite time of the year. I am starting to think I should've started in January. No matter how hard I try, I always get overwhelmed with Christmas. Don't misunderstand...I love Christmas and all its wrangling, wrapping and pseudo-dramas. I am not one of these people that dread the final two months of our calendar year like dental work, even if being around my extended family is easier with a little nitrous oxide (joke). I just feel pressured to make IT happen for my family. What IT is I'm not quite sure. I'll let you know, though, when I figure it out. In the meantime, I am trying to decide if Hallie is old enough to build a gingerbread house yet, or if Ethan will be able to manage his Christmas performance without kicking over expensive sound equipment onstage (don't ask), or if Alex would appreciate luggage as a gift or would that just be disappointing? *sigh*

I apparently still have some work to do.

30...

I am older than 42% of Americans. I have already lost 10% of my muscle mass. I have said goodbye to my impetuous twenties and hello to the decade of maturity without cynicism, idealism without naiveity, and morality without judgment. If I'm lucky, my life is a third of the way over. If not, I could be dead tomorrow. Who knows? All I know is that a lot has changed in ten years. Ten years ago, I was about to be married to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons. He was my escape and I was a good way to make his "ex"girlfriend jealous. Well, four years later I discovered that I wasn't quite the Houdini I thought I was and the "ex"girlfriend is now my ex-husband's second wife of almost five years. Funny how life works, huh?

Don't misunderstand. I am no pessimist. I am still a hopeless Romantic. The idealism of my youth still lingers, but is tempered with a little experience, wisdom and the knowledge that Don Henley was right...the heart of the matter really is forgiveness. I know there's a lot more for me to learn. I am no where near the pinnacle of my education. I just pray that I will always be a willing student. Life is a classroom with momentous final exam at the end. Taking notes is recommended.

Here's to a pen and paper.

My Birthday present!!

In the words of Napolean Dynamite "Yesss!" I got a new camera for my birthday today. Although I don't actually hit the big 3-0 until 6:32 tomorrow morning, I got my present early so we could take pictures on our hike today. The Fall colors are unbelievable and I got some awesome pictures.

I'll just go eat worms...

Today has really gotten me down. I just feel so …pointless. It seems no matter what I do, I can’t stay on top of everything. The laundry piles up, my van fills up with crap, the kitchen goes from perfect to trashed in about 30 seconds. Everything I do just gets undone in five minutes, so why even bother? It doesn’t help that Hallie has developed an attitude problem in the last few weeks that I can’t seem to nip in the bud. Sometimes I feel like all I do is nag at my kids and it doesn’t do any good and nothing changes except we feel bad the rest of the day. A big part of the problem is that we just have way too much going on. We lead a small group Bible study every Monday evening which includes getting a sitter and being gone for 2-3 hours. Tuesday night? Randy has worship team practice at church for 2-3 hours and the kids are in bed when he gets home. Wednesday? Church, when we can go. Lately we have just been staying home to catch our breath. Thursday? Randy teaches karate. Weekends are okay except Randy has to be at the church by 7:30 on Sunday mornings and is there until 12:30. That means I am the one getting the two (sometimes 3) kids up, fed, dressed and to church. Needless to say, sometimes I go looking pretty darn crappy. It’s a good thing our church is casual dress. On top of all that, Randy is scoring a musical at the local theater and the kids often have various extracurricular activities like soccer, softball or music. Free time for me is a non-existent idea. Between 8:30 and my bedtime is all there is and that is time I really should be folding clothes or unloading the dishwasher, but instead I blog or read and feel guilty about it. UGH…something’s got to give. I just don’t know what yet. Frankly, I have nothing left to give. We’ve tried giving up the small group obligation (or at least scaling it back some) but every time we try someone in our church just gives us a huge guilt trip. Maybe our church is the problem. Maybe we should try somewhere else. Frankly, I wouldn’t mind visiting around, but I can only imagine what kind of guilt trip we’ll get then. Seriously, we’d probably lose some close friends over it.

Why does it have to be so complicated? When did I sign up to make everyone happy??

Happy Halloween!!

Hope you all have a safe and fun evening!

Ethan is better and we had a great time tonight, even though we had to trick or treat with umbrellas!

My Baby...

My little boy is quite sick today. It breaks my heart when those big tears roll down his face and he says through chattering teeth "I'm not feeling so good, Mommy." I awoke around midnight to his crying and found him in bed with chills and a fever of 103. When he begged to come to bed with me, of course I tucked him in my arms and brought him down. For a while he just wanted to lie there and discuss all the shadows in my room, but finally he snuggled up under my chin and fell asleep. I didn't sleep very much, but that's okay. After a morning of making ghost lollipops and reading books together, he is now napping with his stuffed dog, Douglas, under his arm and looking so angelic it's all I can do not to squeeze him. I'm just praying he is feeling well enough to trick or treat tomorrow or he will be very disappointed. He is a special little boy and it's hard when he's not feeling well because he is normally so happy and upbeat. Those big blue eyes and dimples (and being the baby, of course) go a long way. No one that meets him can resist his funny chatter and imagination. He's definitely his daddy's boy.

Have you ever seen a cuter kid (well, both of them!)?
Okay, well all this is making me feel the urge to check on him one more time. I'll update later!

Little Things...

You can be having a really bad day...the kind where your preschooler spills chocolate milk all over himself and some other people in Starbucks; where you realize your lipstick was in your jeans pocket after you get them out of the dryer; where your sinuses are so clogged you can't tast a single bite of your french toast and an alarm keeps sounding in your van every time you start it and you just pray it's nothing serious. You know, the kind of day where you just wish you could get back in bed and start over in the morning. Well, either that or have a margarita on the rocks and a good backrub. That's the kind of day I was having, that is until about 3:30 this afternoon.

Funny how things can change pretty quickly.

Under the Weather

Yuck. I am sick of being sick. The left side of my head feels like it could explode at any second and my throat feels like I swallowed a Brillo pad. Guess it's off to the Dr. for me tomorrow. Have I ever mentioned that I hate going to the doctor? Yeah, well, I do. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I have a fear of the sphygmomanometer. Weird, huh? Needles don't bother me at all. Pain? I can take it. Sight of my own blood? No biggie. Black cuff squeezing my arm until I can feel my heart beat in my bicep? Totally freaky. Just one more little tidbit of Jana info I am sure you were dying to know.

Well, other than my general feeling of yuckiness, it's been a pretty good week. Yesterday Randy promoted the kids to yellow belt. They were so excited. I am astonished at how much they have learned and improved. Today we had a conference with Hallie's teacher and received her first report card. All A's!!! Very high A's, in fact. Most importantly, though, her teacher really bragged on Hallie's sweet demeanor and good behavior. I try to stress daily to my kids that doing their best in their work is very important, but being kind and loving is the most important thing they can do. What's that cliche? People will forget what you say and what you do, but they will never forget how you make them feel. Cliche or not, I believe that.

Well, I think I will go get under my blankie and take a couple of Motrin. I'll let you know if I survive my doctor appointment ;)

Hallie and her proud dad...

A Saturday...

This is a great day for a few reasons. The first and most important is that my best friend turned 30 today. That's right...Sally is now officially an old woman and in 21 days I will join her in her infirmity. I'm just kidding, of course. Thirty isn't really all that old, I don't suppose. It sure as heck sounded old about 15 years ago. I have to tread carefully here, though, since my other half is...well, let's just say he rounded this corner a few years ago. In all seriousness, I think entering our fourth decade of life is a positive thing, Sal. Maybe our mothers will finally forgive us for "that night". Okay, probably not, but we can hope.

The other significant event of the day is that Auburn whooped some Gator heinie tonight in what is probably in the top five best football games I have ever seen. Of course, seeing it in High Def TV added to the coolness factor, and other than being there, this was the next best thing. I know I was a little hard on them after their loss last week, but they played their hearts out tonight.

The rest of day had it's moments as well. Herman pulled himself out of his latest funk (and believed demise) to turn over his food dish and make a big mess. Way to go, Hermie. You're not going gently into that good night. Hallie played some wicked softball in the front yard. Ethan Skywalker saved us all from the evil emperor. Scott and I grilled some killer steaks for supper, and last but not least, Randy is doing the dishes at his insistence. What a guy! I think I'll go keep him company.

;) Night-night.

Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhh!

Okay, don't even talk to me about the football game this weekend. Let me just say that after being beaten by Arkansas, we will be lucky to be in the top twenty. Excuse me while I go in the other room and scream.

In other news, Randy and I are having a little weekend get-a-way which has helped me put Auburn's devastating loss behind me ;) Hallie is spending 5 days with her dad which is the longest she has ever been with him or away from me. While I am apprehensive about it, I know this will be good for her. My dad wanted Ethan to visit for a couple of days so we took the RV down to Helena for some R and R. It is so beautiful here this time of year. Of course, where I live is beautiful as well, it's just nice to have a different perspective from time to time. It has been a busy time for us recently. I am sure, if you are reading this, you have noticed that my postings have become nothing more than a conglomerate of the various highlights of my extremely exciting day-to-day activities. I hope the sarcasm is coming through, because I realize that my material of late really isn't all that enthralling. Let me explain that I have had to concentrate most of my creative writing abilities elsewhere. Unfortunately, due to copyright laws, I cannot reproduce any of them here as of now, but I promise to add a little more excitement to Baby Breaths soon. For those of you who have read this far, I thank you for your patience.

Well, I must be off...my man is waiting. I hope you all had a great weekend. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow while I'm sleeping in (wink, wink).

War Eagle, Baby!

We're ranked Number 2, We're ranked Number 2!!!!

Needless to say, we had a great time this weekend. Oh, and did I mention we're ranked #2 in the nation? Just checking... ;)

Good News

Hey ya'll! Good news...my dad is home and recovering. He is still in some pain, but we are relieved to learn that he has a kidney infection and prostatitis instead of something more serious. Thanks for all the hugs!

Well, after a stressful week the fam is off to Auburn for the weekend! We are going to (hopefully) see them stomp Buffalo and spend some time with our best friends. I can't wait to show the kids Toomer's Corner and Samford Hall. It's been so long since they've been there, they don't remember it at all!

I hope ya'll have a great weekend. Gotta go!! :)

Sorry for the leave of absence...

...but lots going on here. We decided against buying the house, although we are looking at other options. Thank you very much for your prayers and concerns. They helped greatly, I'm sure, as we were able to make a quick, yet firm decision and haven't looked back. However, there are other issues at play...my MIL who moved here after Ethan was born has decided to move back to Tuscaloosa due to some extended family issues, notably a diagnosis of lymphoma in her brother and then the death of his wife in a very short period. Her sister also needs her and she is really feeling pulled in that direction. All of this is fine, except that we are very close with her and it has been emotional for all of us.

Finally, my dad has been very sick and in the hospital. I am so very worried about him. I don't have time to go into it now, but he is with a specialist at the moment and we are awaiting some news. I am extremely close to my father and I would not know what to do if something happened to him. I have been through so many serious illnesses with my parents that I had really hoped we would have a few years of peace. Please pray for his healing.

Okay, I have to go. I will try to post later. Thank you to my loyal readers....you really make my day.

Quick Prayer Request

Hey blog friends,

Please say a prayer for Randy and I to hear God's voice and give us guidance. The opportunity has arisen for us to buy a house much closer to the school and Randy's office. It needs a little updating and is a good bit smaller, but still big enough (I think). I just don't know what to do. The three bedrooms (other than the master) share a hallway bathroom which is fine for the five of us (Scott would stay downstairs and use that bathroom) but my biggest concern is when the other kids visit. They are used to having their own space and I don't want to disappoint them. Except for Marshall, who practically rooms with Hallie and Ethan anyway, I am not sure how it would work. Of course, Alex will be in college next year anyway and may be living here, too. Then I know we would have to build a bonus room onto that house for it to be big enough.

The advantages would be that it is much less space to keep clean! Here I have 5000 square feet which includes 6 bedrooms on 3 levels (that's a lot of vacuuming) and 5 bathrooms (that's alot of Lysol) and I am constantly overwhelmed keeping up with it. The master bedroom is upstairs there and here it is not which I HATE! I don't like being so far away from the kids at night. I still use a baby monitor in each of their rooms because I am so paranoid about it. The playroom there is downstairs which is good because the kids can play within earshot of me while I am working in the kitchen. It has a beautiful yard with tons of flat areas to play, and has a pool very similar to ours now, so we wouldn't have to give that up.

We are very conflicted. It would be so much better in a lot of ways, but again, I just don't know. I love this house. We have lived here for four years. It is where we brought Ethan home from the hospital...where we have had the kids birthday parties...where they learned to swim, ride bikes and we have the best neighbors in the world. The fact is, though, that we are going to have to move eventually because neither our cars nor I can take driving over the mountain six times a day. I feel like I live in my van and I am sick of it. It's a good chance to downsize a little and not have to give up much and really gain a lot in the way of convenience.

I am sorry to be asking for prayer about something so non-essential. It's just a big decision and I have come to value the prayers and advice of my fellow blogging Christians. Thanks so much.

Oh, and Ethan seems to have developed a chest cold and the doc says that is what caused his asthma. I am relieved because hopefully that means it's not becoming a chronic problem and will go away when the congestion does. Thanks for everyone's concern! I love ya'll!!

I don't have ADD, I promise...

I am freaking out because Ethan has had two asthma attacks in the last two days. He has not had any in years, and then only secondary to illness. Luckily, I still have his inhaler on hand, but this is distressing. What in the world would cause this all of a sudden? Randy had horrible asthma as a child, but his started as an infant. Am I doing something wrong? I am taking him to the doctor tomorrow, but I am just hoping he's okay.

Well, Alabama ranked 48th in life expectancy. That's not too good, folks. Why is it that my home state ranks 48th or 49th in almost everything? It really is a misrepresentation. But I won't get into that now.

I had a really loooooooooong, sad post written yesterday, but I just couldn't get it finished. I guess I could work on it later, we'll see. Let's just say that the victims of 9/11 were at the forefront of my thoughts and prayers yesterday. I finished reading "Let's Roll" several months ago and it greatly affected me. I recommend it highly.

Okay, got to go...the asparagus is getting overdone.

Awesomeness

This was an incredible weekend and even a good "Tuesday" (felt like Monday). Friday night Hallie visisted her dad and Ethan visited his grandma, so Randy and I had the night to ourselves. We ate with friends, went on a walk after dark and even made a midnight run to the 24 hour Sonic drive-in for some much needed ice cream. I swear, Randy and I cannot go two days without junk food. Anyway, we stayed up late, slept late and then picked up Ethan and drove to Cracker Barrel for a healthy breakfast of pancakes, grits, eggs and biscuits. Yes, food is my love language and it's a beautiful one at that. Anyhoo, the three of us went on a bike ride and then settled in to watch Auburn (#4...yeah!) stomp Washington State. Of course, Alabama won, too, but you can't have everything.

On Labor Day we took the kids to the Botanical Gardens and had so much fun. It was still a little warm, but it has definitely cooled down, especially at night. That evening we grilled out and once again dined on some really healthy portions of hotdogs, hamburgers, potato chips and cupcakes. Today Ethan and I did some much needed shopping for pants that don't end up around his ankles (the kid is skinny) and he was such a good boy.

This afternoon Hallie brought home her first progress report and not only does she have all A's, but all 100's or 98's. We are so proud of her! She is a very good reader and has picked up on math like a whiz. She is also about to test for yellow belt in karate and she is very excited. If it seems like it took a long time, you are probably used to hearing about Taekwondo where the ranks go much faster and are easier to obtain. In Shorin Ryu, it takes grown men training 20 hours a week 4 years or more to make brown belt (think Mr. Miagi). So, you can see this will be a great accomplishment for her after only four months. She says she is going all the way to tenth degree black, and we don't doubt it. When that girl sets her mind to something, she goes for it all the way.

Okay, I have to go do some writing that actually pays something society will exchange for goods. Here is a picture of the kids from yesterday. I hope all of you had as great of a weekend as I did!

Aware

For my children...

Somewhere between clay and form,
A candle, lit but not yet formed by
The waxy pattern that will surround you.
You are not blank, only impressionable.
In a world dying to impress.
You will not know all the answers,
But when one eludes you,
You will sense its absence
Like a word that is on your tongue
But not making a sound.
It will scream at you in silence.
You will hear it and turn your head
It will be a tinnitus that never ends,
That has no cure save one-

Discovery.

Please take this offering from me,
The gift that will save you from mediocrity.
The word your ancestors exhale in their muddy regret
daring you to listen.
Put your ear to crest of their tomb.
. . .Can you hear it?

It Was a Good Day Because...

Randy is upstairs unloading the dishwasher as I type. I love that man.

Our homeowners insurance is replacing our entire hardwood floor (5 rooms!) due to a leaky fitting under the sink that damaged a small portion of it.

I had a professional clean my bathrooms and floors today. Ahhh, that was nice.

Ethan and I took our lunch to the waterfall and had a lovely picnic and nature walk.

Ethan picked a wildflower just for me.

Ethan found an acorn that he has decided a squirrel and chipmunk will share. He left it outside for them to find. *Note to self: move the acorn before tomorrow.

I realized that Hallie has made a 100 on every assignment in first grade so far.

During karate tonight, Hallie floored her dad (literally) after both the boys failed to do so. You go, girl!

Randy has decided to test Hallie and the Brashiers for yellow belt in a few weeks.

I unexpectedly met two friends in the coffee shop and had some unexpected adult conversation while Ethan drank his chocolate milk and ate his fruit.

I got a peach smoothie from Sonic. Yum!

While watching Ethan at soccer, I felt the first cool breeze of the season and was actually comfortable outside for the first time since April.

Tomorrow is Friday!!!

And last but not least, five years ago today Randy and I met on the great information highway we know as the internet via Yahoo instant messenger. They have been the most meaningful and happy years of my life.

Has anyone ever....

made the mistake of buying their child's halloween costume two months early resulting in the inability to peel it off of the said child who is melting inside his astronaut flight suit while it's 95 degrees outside?

Maybe it's just me.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I am NOT in a very good mood. I just had 3 paragraphs written and when I added the pictures, the text disappeared. *@#*@**#!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I am not taking the time to rewrite at this time, so just enjoy the pictures! It's Ethan's first day of preschool and soccer practice.

Book MeMe

1. One book that changed your life. "Cosmic Codes" by Chuck Missler

2. One book you've read more than once. "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith. I have read this book about 4-6 times a year since I was 14 years old.

3. One book you would want on a desert island. "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis

4. One book that made you laugh. "The Nanny Diaries"

5. One book that made you cry. "The Bridges of Madison County"

6. One book that you wish had been written. The one I've been working on for two years!

7. One book you wish had never been written. "Mein Kampf"

8. One book you are currently reading. "Love and Other Impossible Pursuits"

9. One book you have been meaning to read. "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck

10. Three people I tag to do this meme: Jana, Mel, Rachel

My Look-alikes...

Below are pictures of Scott when he was younger (well, he's always younger...lol) and Ethan. I think the resemblance is remarkable, especially considering they are half brothers. Of course, it helps that they both look just like Randy.






This picture posting problem is annoying. I am having to write my own html and I don't have time for this! Is anyone else having issues?

Random Thoughts

Just to let everyone know, Hallie is better today and will be able to go to school tomorrow. Thanks so much for your concern.

Okay, I don't know what is going on with Blogger, but I have been trying to post pictures all day with no luck. I really wanted to show ya'll Ethan's first day of preschool and soccer, but it just isn't working out. Maybe tomorrow...

Well, it looks like their may be five of us under one roof again. My stepson, Scott, has asked if he could move back home for a while so he can save money to buy a car and go back to school. Randy and I have talked about it and think we may agree. He has made a lot of positive strides lately and really seems to be headed in a good direction. He enjoys working for his dad and is actually very talented. I always knew he was intelligent, just challenged in certain areas. I am glad he has found a place he can excel. If we do this, the kids will be thrilled, especially Ethan. He cries like a baby every time Scott visits and then leaves. They also look a lot alike, which I could show you if I could POST PICTURES!!! Anyway, we are praying about it. We sure have missed him since he moved out. We'll see....

They arrested someone in the JonBenet murder. I have to say, the police and DA's that terrorized that family for so long ought to be hung out to dry. I never thought those parents were guilty and I cannot imagine losing a child and then having to deal with that crap. I'm ready for some justice, how about you?

Okay, I'm tired. I hope you enjoyed this post consisting of four totally disjointed topics. Night-night!

A Post About Nothing

Well, nothing terribly exciting, anyway. I was up all night with Hallie who had nausea and fever. I "slept" in the guest/Marshall's room (who left on Sunday,BTW) next to Hallie's room, but I really didn't get much rest. I am always on edge when I have a sick child, especially when they tend to run fevers of 104+. Anyway, I hate that she had to miss school so early in the year, but such is life I suppose. We spent all morning in the doctor's office just to make sure it wasn't strep since she was also complaining of a sore throat. It wasn't...thank goodness, but I really do not like the nurse that swabbed her throat. Hallie was naturally not doing cartwheels over the whole thing so the lady told her she would call "Mr. Reynolds" (think huge bouncer type) from the lab to hold her down and it would take "a lot longer than 3 seconds." In other words, lets make my already fearful child even more terrified by threatening her with the Incredible Hulk. Hallie even complimented her on her Poohbear scrubs and she pretty much ignored her. Not cool.

Well, Hallie seems to be feeling better but still has a fever. I think we are all going to lie down and rest. I wanted to post pictures from Ethan's first day of preschool and soccer, but I can't go downstairs right now. Maybe later...

Summertime Blues

Wow...today's heat index is 95 instead of 105. Is fall in the air already?

Hah...August is not my favorite month. I haven't allowed the kids to play outside all week due to temperatures of +100. We've colored every picture imaginable, flown paper airplanes, explored the contents of several closets, ran through the house screaming and taken lots of Advil. It didn't help matters that the elusive scorpion has managed to escape capture and I still haven't reopened the basement to people under 5 feet tall. Someone tell me I'm overreacting...please? Actually, we did venture out one day to nearby Cathedral Caverns where it actually gets down to 55 degrees inside the cave. We almost decided to move in.

Whew. This summer has exhausted me in every way and I am ready for it to be over. I want cool breezes, football games and days where I actually have time to be semi-productive. 41 days and counting...

First Day of School! First Day of School!

"We're off to learn to get some knowledge!"

And if you haven't seen Finding Nemo, then you just think I am insane and that's okay.

Hallie had her first day of first grade yesterday. She was fine until time for me to leave and then the tears started. Man, did I have a difficult morning worrying about her! I was quite relieved, though, when I picked her up and she said "I can't wait until morning so I can come back!" I can't ask for more than that!

Here's the little sweetheart on our porch before leaving. Notice the gap in the smile...she sure is proud of that!

Reasons why the last 24 hours have been interesting...

1. Hallie, with her brothers in tow, discovered a scorpion in our basement, which, according to Hallie was 3 inches long.

2. I looked for this houseguest for an hour with one of my husband's shoes and had no luck.

3. I am now restricting the children from the basement out of fear, whether rational or not, until this pest is found and destroyed.

4. Ethan had diarrhea during his nap and didn't make it to the bathroom.

5. Our new carpet upstairs now has its first blemish.

6. The brand new Buzz backpack that has been glued to his shoulders also has its first blemish.

7. I used an entire box of wet wipes before I got him in the tub.

8. I will not let Ethan eat three servings of fried okra any more.

9. Herman the crab had a birthday party since "he may not make it to his real one", whenever that may be. The kids and I sang "Happy Birthday dear Crabbie" at the top of our lungs while Hallie presented him with a present (a shell from the beach) packaged in a cough medicine box and a homemade card.

10. Apparently uplifted after his party, Herman the crab managed to escape his confines (mainly because Hallie forgot to put the top back on) and was missing for about 10 minutes in which I made the kids sit on the couch with their feet up while I frantically searched for him, praying he wasn't already carpet blemish number 2.

11. I found Herman safe and sound on the other side of Hallie's bedroom in her Polly Pocket mini salon. Hmm......

12. I made two fudge pies and a crock pot of homemade macaroni and cheese for the school picnic tonight. Okay, one pie is for the picnic. The other is in case there's no leftovers to bring back home.

13. I sold my first item on ebay for $79.00. Not bad...

A Pensive Evening

Ahh, a moment to myself. The kids went to band practice with their dad, so I am here all alone and wondering exactly how I should savor this moment. I love my kids dearly, but since becoming a mom, it's amazing how little time I have spent without another body within 10 feet-usually less.

I used to have lots of alone time. I used to spend hours alone everyday. As a kid and teenager, I would walk to an abandoned park down the street from my house with my walkman and tackle box full of tapes daily (think small town-no crime). I would listen to music for hours, just sitting on a swing imagining stories in my head. Many times I watched the sun go down and many times, much to my mother's chagrin, I would go out hours after dark. While most kids were sneaking out to drink and smoke, I was sneaking out to listen to music and dream. I think I went through at least 7 walkmen and had a collection of about 50 tapes, mostly movie soundtracks, that were covered in a fine film of dirt. That's what happens when you expose them to the elements, I suppose, but that was just wear and tear as far as I was concerned. Who knows how many "novels" and poems I wrote down there. I even thought about naming my first child after that park, although I am sure Hallie will one day feel quite relieved she doesn't bear the name "Meadowbrook". I know, it sounds kind of crazy and I am sure I looked sort of crazy. There I was everyday, that strange girl that swings by herself at the park. I think I became sort of a public monument to southern eccentricity, but I didn't care. I have always felt older than my years and I guess that even as a teenager, I knew being different wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It wasn't just that I had OCD, although I am sure it's all connected. It wasn't just that I had a job from the age of 12. It was how I got goose bumps from songs that spoke to me. It was how the sight of an old wooden bridge made me weep. It was the lump in my throat every time I heard church bells or wind chimes. It was how I read the last page of "These Happy Golden Years" over and over and circled the tearstains in the margin. Mostly, it was my depth of feeling and desire to always feel more...to go beyond where most people said was enough. I didn't just want a casual relationship with the world or with myself in it. I felt things deeply, believed things passionately, and placed great value on the power of imagination and the human soul. The ability to create was paramount to me. If you didn't create things in some way...writing, music, art, etc...then I would find you rather boring. I had no use for any discipline that didn't have a little room for interpretation or originality.

Well, what am I getting at here? I suppose I am just reminiscing about who I was and realizing who I have become. Fundamentally, not much has changed. I still get the goosebumps. I still reread all my favorite novels several times a year. I still devour history. Weeping Willows and church bells still affect me. I still believe deeply in creativity and imagination. I still think the written word and music are man's greatest gifts to ourselves. I'm still "different", although I don't think about it quite so much. Why? Well, mostly because I am pushing the swing instead of sitting in it and although it's a move of only a few feet, the view has changed. I keep getting "distracted" by these two precious kids (often 3,4 or 5) that keep hovering around me, demanding my attention. Yes, I like my alone time...every now and then. But nothing compares to what I have. It's a charmed life, indeed.

Man's Best Friend...

I can't believe I bought bottled water for a hermit crab. Yes, that is correct. That and about ten other things hermit crabs apparently can't live without. Like a piece of tree bark. Yes, I paid four dollars for a piece of tree bark. Why, you may ask, didn't I just go pick up a piece of tree bark outside? Well, this one was shaped like a tunnel. Don't you know that hermit crabs really need their privacy? Come on, the fact that they never come out of the shell on their back doesn't count. Oh, and I had to splurge and get the calcified sand because the sand I buy for my children isn't good enough. No, hermit crabs need special sand...special sand that costs ten dollars a pound. I also learned today that they need a wall in their "habitat" to climb in order to get enough exercise. Apparently sitting in one spot with your head in expensive sand isn't enough activity. And did you know that hermit crabs need treats? Not just regular food, but treats. I am just waiting for him to roll over, sit up, and play dead on command. Oh, wait a minute, he plays dead all the time! How many pieces of dried fruit does he get for that?

But, wait a minute... maybe Hermie is so sedate because I didn't buy the six dollar sea salt soaking solution. That must be it! Ah, the pang of regret. Sleep will elude me tonight for sure. :o)

Politics and Mel

Wow..lots of crazy stuff going on in the world today. The fighting between Israel and the Hezbollah has really gotten me thinking about the end times. I know, I know...every time a major conflict occurs people start saying "this is it". I'm not jumping on that bandwagon. I just can't help but reflect on the books of Daniel and Revelation when I see what I'm seeing on the news. Frankly, it saddens me because I know that when we do get to the end, it's going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. As a Christian, I know I have nothing to fear for myself, but the eventual fate of the world distresses me greatly. I can't help but feel that the media isn't helping matters. They just keep reporting the same story over and over again...showing the same footage over and over again, just as the terrorists want them to do. Somehow the acts of the terrorists themselves get lost in the world's outrage at the usual suspects...the US and Israel. Forget how many missiles Hezbollah has fired into Israeli villages. Forget the horrible lack of respect for humanity these groups have shown in the past throughout the world. For some strange reason, the world just keeps giving these people the benefit of the doubt. The UN just passes ridiculous resolutions that they never intend to enforce and countries everywhere condemn the actions of a nation forced into fighting for self preservation. I don't like violence. I hate the thought of innocent people being killed no matter where they live. I'm not going to stand here and debate who has the right to do what and who has gone too far. I will say, though, that it distresses me that people just don't think anything is worth fighting for any more. Life, liberty, justice...they're all good when you have them handed to you. When someone else did all the fighting 50 or 200 years ago. When you don't have to take a stand and risk the wrath or condemnation of the world. When you can be PC and eat your white bread and apple pie and talk about peace with your mouth full. It's a whole different matter, however, when its you, your countrymen and a great big world that thinks you have no right to exist. Think about it.

Oh, and thanks a lot Mel Gibson. Finding out that my favorite actor was a drunk and an anti- semite in one day was not fun. Not fun at all.

This is our sweet Alex...

Big News!!

Hallie lost her first tooth tonight! I can't believe what an odyssey that was. It seems like that tooth was loose forever and the last few days we have really been encouraging her to pull it herself or let us do it. I admit, I really encouraged Randy to do the deed. I did not relish the idea of doing it myself. So, after days of high resistance, she finally let him put some floss around it tonight and before she could say anything, the tooth popped out. She looked really surprised and even had to ask, "Is it out?" She didn't feel a thing! Of course, the tooth was so loose it would've come out if she had sneezed hard enough, but I am still proud of her.

Today I also took Alex to have her senior pictures made. I can't believe she is starting her last year of high school. We had so much fun and she made some beautiful pictures. I can't tell you how much I love that girl. She is such a blessing to this family. I am so lucky to be her stepmom!

Well, I just had to share. I hope you all have a good night. Thanks for the comments!

Yikes!

Well, that was scary. My entire blog, sans the title bar, disappeared from cyberspace for several days. Luckily, I was able to tweak some html, republish and breathe a sigh of relief. I have been so busy that it took longer than I'd like, but I hope my (former) readers didn't give up completely. Sorry for the long delay. More later!!

Indigestion...

Ugh...the Quesadilla Explosion salad I had for supper isn't feeling at home right now. I'm just hoping it doesn't decide to make an exit any time soon. My digestive issues aside, things are okay. After my last post, I'm sure some of you were wondering. My stepdaughter, Alex, is here and we are very close. We have been this way since we first met and having her here during the day has lifted my mood. Other than the fact that I will be crying my eyes out for a week after she goes back home, things are good. I did end up increasing my medication, which meant I didn't sleep for 3 days, but it's worth it in the grand scheme of things. There are bigger things than my problems going on right now as well. I won't get into all of it, but I'll just say that Randy is really stressed and I am worried about him. It's mostly work related, but he is so hard on himself and he really needs to relax and give it up to God. Ha, I should take my own advice, huh?

Well, I am going to take some Pepcid and cuddle up with the man himself. I did watch "Schindler's List" last night which is a good reminder that I have never really had a bad day in my life. It's a good eye opener.

Have a good evening....

Feast or Famine

It's always one or the other around here. At least this summer, anyway. I either have 3 or 4 children to care for and more activities than I can handle or it's just me and my two children rattling around this house with no reason to get out of our pajamas. Honestly, I handle the former situation much better. I am a gem when it comes to chaos. I have people ask me all the time, "How do you do the summers? How do you do Christmas? How do you feed, bathe and bed all those kids? How do you do all the holiday shopping?" Well, it's a lot of work, but that is where I shine. I'm all about a flurry of activity. I'm all about baking cookies, pillow fights, bubble baths, cooking big meals, late night girl talks and I can find, purchase and wrap the 35 odd Christmas gifts with perfect timing and accuracy. I may be stressed during all this. I may talk about how busy I am. I may even border on obsessive perfection in my expectation of myself. However, I am happy. I am ecstatic. I have purpose. I am doing something that wouldn't get done without me and it feels good. It's a feast of necessity and rising to the occaision. What I don't handle so well is the famine. After the kids are gone, or between their visits this summer, it's all I can do to go a day without crying. I get so sick of being in the house, but I have no where to go. I am not good at creating purpose. Not that I don't have tons to do to my house, but that's not exactly what I mean. I spend the mornings reading, painting, coloring with the kids. We play word games. We do flashcards. We play Hi Ho Cherrio and Chutes and Ladders. The kids do their chores. I inspect and praise their work. I do my chores, although I can't ever seem to get caught up. I am devouring a book a day instead of sleeping. Maybe it's because I have more time to reflect on my shortcomings. Maybe I miss the kids. Maybe I am just spending too much time in my house. Probably, it's a combination of all these things. Whatever it is, I am sinking into a depression and I don't want to go there. Randy wants me to increase my medication, but he doesn't understand that I can't do that. That will only prove that I am failing at something I should be able to do.

Alex is coming today. I can't wait to see her. Of course I will pull it together. I have a whole list of things for us to do. I just wish I wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I wish I could cut myself the slack I cut others. Oh well, live and learn. I will keep trying.

A Royal Proclamation

An excerpt from an MSN article on the royal geneology of us all...

"Take King Edward III, who ruled England during the 14th century and had nine children who survived to adulthood. Among his documented descendants are presidents (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Zachary Taylor, both Roosevelts), authors (Jane Austen, Lord Byron, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning), generals (Robert E. Lee), scientists (Charles Darwin) and actors (Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, Brooke Shields). Some experts estimate that 80 percent of England's present population descends from Edward III."

Why is this interesting? Because Alfred Lord Tennyson is my great, great, great uncle. So, apparently, I am also a descendent of Edward III. Of course, it also means that I am related to virtually all of England. So, actually, if we are all royal, then essentially, none of us are. A nice concept on our country's birthday, don't you think?

Happy Fourth of July to all of you and although I am bleary eyed from staying up late watching the History channel American Revolution specials, I am feeling pretty good on this special day because I LOVE my country and whether it's my late grandfather who commanded a navy ship in World War II, my great times 6 grandfather who fought the British in 1776, or my Cherokee great grandmother, I am proud of my heritage... and whether your family came over on the Mayflower or you are a naturalized citizen, you can be, too.

Oh, and if you're British, well, don't feel bad. We're still family.

Summer So Far

It's supposed to be that slow time of year when the pressures are down and the days are so long you have trouble filling them with anything essential, so you end up buffering the dental appointments and ballgames with huge home-cooked meals, lots of homemade ice cream and long spells on the porch swing. Well, let's just say that around here, summer is the busiest time of year. Since I know you are all just dying to know how I've spent the last month, let me recap that for you.

After school was out in mid May, we took a family vacation to Destin, FL and visited with my best friend. It was the best trip the four of us have ever had. After we returned home, we had to live with my mother in law for five days while the inside of our house was painted. When we moved back in, I had to spend several days putting furniture back in place and obsessively scrubbing my bathrooms where the painters had marked their territory in classic canine style. About this time Marshall came for his visit and Hallie's Bible school began at church. The next week Ethan, Marshall and I had Bible school where high drama ensued when I didn't make enough bunny rabbit cookies to feed the adult volunteers. Yes, you read that correctly. Adults were complaining because they had to eat popcorn and drink water while the children got to eat "cool" snacks and drink grape Kool-aid. Baffling, huh? I've taught Bible school for 13 years and never once expected a snack. Hmm... Anyway, back to my summer. My stepdaughter, Jessi, came a couple of weeks ago and Marshall went back home last Thursday. We left for the beach Thursday afternoon and here I am, home again after an eight hour drive. Tomorrow Hallie starts art camp and Jessi goes home at the end of the week. The beach was fun, but we had to stay in Panama City, which isn't the best place to stay with kids...lots of drunk college students and bikers. We ended up driving into Destin every day to do stuff. It was kind of a spur of the moment trip. You know, it's a lot harder to entertain a 13 year old than a 5 year old. A trip to the Space Center was huge for the little ones. For a teenager that lives in San Diego where she has a moped, cell phone, laptop and horse, the Space center is just one big yawn. Don't get me wrong, Jess doesn't put these expectations out there, I do. I guess I just feel responsible for making every moment the kids are here sensational. I know that's not possible, but I can't help it. It's hard to only have them for such a short time.

I did have an excellent drive home today. I drove the van solo while Randy drove the RV and of course, the kids wanted to ride in it. That was fine. I needed some time alone. I can't remember the last time I was alone. It felt strange but wonderful. I took all the backroads and rolled the windows down. As the pastures and fields and silos went past I felt a strange stirring inside. I started remembering summers past and somehow it's all tied up with lightning bugs, creamed corn, fried okra, crickets, steamy asphalt, cold rivers, barefeet, church socials, biting into a fresh peach, baiting my hook, huge slices of ice cold ripe tomatoes, squeaky screen doors and snow cones. It made me long for all of these things and as I drove I hoped that one day my kids will be doing something that brings back similar feelings of nostalgia. I know some things are different now, but I have such rich and vivid memories...memories that connect me to things far beyond myself. These are the best kind.

Out of Town...again...

...but I'm not complaining. We are vacationing with my stepdaughter, Jessi (lives in San Diego), who had never seen the gulf coast. She loves it and we are having a wonderful time. Of course, it's hard not to love the white sand and emerald water. I can't believe how fast the summer is going. It's been a whirlwind!


Jessie...isn't she a beauty?

Still Kickin'

For those of you wondering...yes, I am still alive and no, I haven't given up on blogging. I'm just consumed with two consecutive weeks of Bible school and the three kiddos at home. It's been great, though, and now I have my (almost) 13 year old stepdaughter here, too, and we have lots of "girl" plans.

Okay, just a quickie this time. I have to get supper on the table and prepare to make 88 "Rosa Rabbits" out of various food items (sugar cookies, apple slices, etc.) for the preschoolers tomorrow. Hope everyone had a wonderful Father's Day!! Later....

Better

Okay, I am feeling a little better today. I think yesterday was just the first day of the summer so far where the kids and I have been stuck in the house with nothing to do. There has been so much going on and we had been so busy that it was somewhat of a letdown to not have something major to accomplish. I do miss writing and will probably have to start all over with my career in a couple of years, but I wouldn't trade being home for anything. My kids are growing up so fast and I know I only have a few more years to enjoy this stage of their lives. I've experienced parenting of preteen/teenagers and lets just say I am content to let that phase wait waaaaaaaaaaaay out there in the distance for now.

At this moment, there are five children in my care which may seem stressful, but actually makes it a little easier. At least my kids have someone to play with besides each other and me! I might even get to sort through the pile of mail and target bags on my dining room table.

On a happy note, Marshall will be coming tomorrow so we are all excited about that. Ethan has been asking for weeks when he'll be here and some times he'll look at me with his bottom lip poked out and say "I miss Marshall, Mama." He really looks up to his big brothers. Hallie, of course, loves him just as much, but she can understand the meaning of "one week" or "5 days" a little better.

Okay, gotta go check on the kids. Hallie seems to be holding her own up there with four boys, but then again, when does she ever have a problem with that ;) ?

The Blues...

Wow, I keep meaning to write, but I just never have a moment any more. Who was I kidding when I said I hoped to write more this summer? That's just not realistic. I'm either cleaning up a mess while the kids make a new one, at the grocery store, folding laundry or refereeing a squabble. I am thinking about incorporating a coach's whistle into my daily routine. Just kidding...

I guess I just feel that all the work I do gets undone in the blink of an eye and leaves me feeling like I have no real purpose. My writing career has gone down the tubes in the last few years and although it's a sacrifice I chose and want to make, it's still disheartening at times. Why did I study under some of the best poets in the southeast for four years? Why did I fall asleep on my keyboard at 3 a.m. every night for two years? I keep thinking one of these days I'll have more time and it just never happens. I used to pound out a poem, story or review once a week. People used to pester me for my writings. Those days are long gone, I guess.

Okay, I think I have a case of the stay at home mom blues. I couldn't bear to have it any other way, but I just feel this way some times. Is this normal?

Home Sweet Home!

Wow! We are finally back in our house after a two week "vacation" while the interior was painted. Talk about a mess! It's amazing how much dust can accumulate in 12 days. Not to mention the furniture is out of place and the painters "used" our bathrooms and kitchen and let's just say they could use some instruction in cleanliness. Although the walls look awesome, getting the house livable again is going to take days. Not that I am complaining...I love our house. I just stay very busy keeping it in shape and a task like this seems monumental. It's coming along, though, and I am very excited about the way it looks. Paint can really change things.

Other news...my stepson, Scott, is doing so great that I have to share. As some of you know, we have been through a lot with him. After many attempts to pass his junior year of high school, we finally realized passing his GED was his best option. He did so very easily since he is quite intelligent. He tried junior college for a while but that didn't last either. Finally, he was out on his own living with some friends and going from one dead end job to another. It was painful for us to know that he was headed down this path, but since he was an adult we were powerless to stop him. After much prayer, Randy offered him a job a few months ago working with him and, thankfully, he is doing fantastic! He is also living with some very nice friends (college students we hope will be good influences) and seems to have turned a corner toward maturity. He really seems happy and to love his job. Scott and I have always been close and he has been a great brother to Hallie and Ethan. We are just so happy that he has settled down and is succeeding in life. Trust me, we spent many sleepless nights worrying our heads off about him and it is so nice to actually breathe a sigh of relief. I am trying not to overdo it since I know life can change rapidly, but I really feel that this is it for Scott...that he has found his niche. Of course, Randy is loving it since he gets to see him everyday and I tease them about talking "shop", but I am really proud.

Okay, enough. I have to get back to work. Have a great weekend!

Checking In...

Uh oh, I just don't know if blogging is going to fit into my summer schedule. Between painting the house, migraines, preparing for VBS, impetigo in Randy's nose and eye and various other daily dramas, it just isn't happening. I miss it, I really do, but right now we are staying at my mother in law's house while our interior is being painted and that means no internet connection...to speak of, anyway. I love my MIL dearly, but her house is 1300 square feet and wasn't meant for the five of us. My 6'4" hubby and I always sleep close, but sqeezing into a full bed wedged in a corner and getting good sleep is asking for too much. I turn my head one way and the wall is in my face. I turn it the other and my nose is buried in Randy's back or neck, either of which deprives me of oxygen. There is a fan in there somewhere, but I only feel wafts of it when sit up in bed, which isn't a good way to sleep. So, needless to say I am tired and irritable. I am also complaining way too much. Moving on...

Our house is looking awesome, even if the painting is taking forever. I can't wait for it to be finished. It needed paint in a very bad way since the original contractor-grade paint had been through 10 kids and 8 years of wear.

I am also getting ready to celebrate my fourth wedding anniversary next week. We usually go out of town, but since we just got back I don't think that is plausible. Just an evening and night alone with my sweetheart would be nice, but we'll see. He always has something special planned. I am the luckiest wife on the planet!

Well, I better get back to the 1300 square feet of familial bliss. Just kidding, it's not that bad...after the RV it feels like a castle.

So, I don't know when I can write again, but maybe it won't be too long. I hope everyone had a great Memorial weekend. Take care!

Some Pics from Destin, FL

Yikes!!

Okay, I got a wild urge today to greatly reduce the stress in my life. Since the kids have to stay (kidding of course) I decided to get rid of some hair. It is way shorter than I expected, but I kind of like it. At least it won't take me 2 hours to dry it any more...hopefully.



Yes, this is a cheesy self portrait, but it gives you an idea anyway. I am still in shock that I did this. I hope I don't regret it in a few hours!

So It Begins...

Wow, I cannot believe this is the last day of school. Hallie will be here any moment and I am really looking forward to having her home all summer. Of course, I am sure I will be ready for school to start again come August, but at least for now we have lots of warm (hot) summer days full of swimming, picnics, sprinklers, cook-outs and best of all, sleeping in!! The summer will also bring all the kids and a few vacations. We will be going to Florida on Saturday for 5 days. Here's hoping the RV doesn't break down this time! Hopefully the summer will also bring a little more time for writing, especially on my other blog. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind on that one. I also need to focus on my poetry. It suffers greatly during the school year because it is so time consuming. I am hoping to have some more things ready for publication by the Fall. We'll see!

Well, I have to go wait for the bus. I hope everyone has a great day!!

Mother's Day

I had the best Mother's Day ever yesterday. Randy, being the sweet thing that he is, cooked an entire meal for our family and wouldn't let his mom or I help at all. The food was delicious and it sure was nice having the day off from the kitchen! I also received a potted palm tree and several smaller potted palms for the pool area. They look awesome! Here are pictures from our day.

First Karate Lesson...

Today Randy gave the kids their first karate lesson. He is teaching Hallie and Ethan as well as four other children. So far they have learned two stances and two blocks and are very excited with their newfound knowledge. Of course, it's all sooooo serious, but I think they just look so cute in their gis and I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures. Shhh....

The Door is Never Closed

I cannot express how much God is blessing me through this book…

“Why is it such good news? I never need to fear and say, "Oh, I dare not go to God, because I just told a lie. I just lost my temper. I just deceived that person. Oh, I have no right to ask God to help me now because I failed in that task." If my righteousness comes by my works, then Satan can bar the door to God practically all the time, because I am never doing as much as I feel I should. I am never as good as I know I ought to be. I haven't achieved my super-ego. I haven't lived up to my own standards of what I feel is right. Because I have failed to achieve those ideal standards, Satan will use my failure to keep me from coming to God. "You have no right to ask God to help you when you have just failed Him again. You know your action is displeasing to God, yet you did it anyhow. Now you're in trouble and now you want God to help you. You think He is going to listen to you? No way!"
Satan can always bar the door to God if he can cause me to look within myself and at myself. But if I am looking to Jesus Christ and I realize that I am accounted righteous because of my faith in Christ, Satan can never bar the door.
Certainly, I am not yet all that God wants me to be. Far from it! But thank God, I am not what I was. Even in my present state of imperfection, God looks upon me and accounts me righteous and holy. That is why I never want to be caught anywhere except in Christ Jesus. We must never see ourselves apart from Him.”

From, Why Grace Changes Everything, By Chuck Smith, http://www2.calvarychapel.com/?show=Resources.Ebooks.whygracechangeseverything

Legalism…I have been bombarded with it my entire life. Yes, I was taught about the grace of God and the plan of salvation, but so much focus was on my behavior, my actions, my SIN, that I always felt this barrier had been placed between me and my Savior. I knew that my salvation was through God’s grace and not by my actions, but knowing that and living it are two different things. I was always taught that yes, grace saved me, but after that it was up to me to live according to certain rules to stay close to God. If I failed in this (which, of course I would) God would be disgusted with me. Not that I wouldn’t still be saved, but that, like an angry person (once again, humanizing God), He just wouldn’t be on speaking terms with me. This set me up for complete failure and alienation from the thing I need more than anything else…communication with God. Would He really do this? Save me and then withhold His companionship because I misbehaved? Of course not, but that is what I believed. I believed that His grace was only good enough to get me through the gates of Heaven. To be close to Him and receive His blessings, I had to live up to a standard of righteousness. But it is through GRACE that we are saved AND that we commune with God. He looks on us as pure and on our faith as sufficient. The door is never closed, no matter what we struggle with, if our faith is in Him. If I can accept this, I know peace will be mine and Satan can no longer prevent me from going to our Lord for any reason at any time. Who knows what God can do with me if I make myself available?
Seeing myself apart from God, even as a Christian, was self-inflicted punishment for my inability to be perfect…a punishment that goes against the very essence of salvation. God saved us because He wanted to be close to us, not so that we could spend the rest of our lives trying and failing to earn what we can never deserve. We must never draw that line between ourselves and our Savior. It is a line Satan will dance upon.

Weekend

For those of you who are wondering, I am still here. It's been a strange weekend. The kids are visiting their grandparents and Randy and I have been doing some spring cleaning, i.e. clearing out closets for a massive transport of stuff to the Salvation Army. Since we are having our interior painted in a few weeks, we really needed to reduce the amount of "stuff" or "crap", however you want to say it, in our house. Seriously, I had no idea the amount of things we own that we do not need in any form. I found my prom dress hanging in my closet. My prom dress, people. That was over ten years ago. What was I saving that for? Did I think I might throw that on and wear it out to dinner some time? Then there's the maternity clothes. Note to self: hubby had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I think we can safely say there will not be a need for those any more. I also found several other useless items: a busted VCR, half a package of newborn diapers, a half eaten box of valentine candy, a couple of old purses with pieces of petrified chewing gum inside, and several flip-flops without a match. Of course, that was just my side of the closet. Randy found all kinds of fun items, including some very "groovy" items of clothing. Needless to say, this project was way overdue.

It was really weird not having the kids around. Not only did I miss them, but I kept feeling like I left them some where. We'd be in the car and I'd turn around and panic for a second because they weren't there. I turned the monitor on at night and each morning I woke up thinking, man, they sure are being quiet. I know we needed this weekend, but I can't help but feel a little empty. I have never been away from them for more than a couple of days and even that feels like a long time. On a happier note, have any of you ever seen the movie Napolean Dynamite? Okay, this is the funniest movie I have ever seen. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I mean, this movie is genius. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it, but only if you ever had a Trapper Keeper, played tetherball, drew unicorns or ran for class president. If you didn't, this humor may be over your head.

Change...

The last two days have been the beginning of a spiritual journey for me...one that I hope is long and fruitful. So many things have been revealed to me about myself and my own frame of mind concerning Jesus and my relationship with Him. So much of my life has been about what I am not...how I have failed others...how I have failed God...what I have done wrong. It was a precept that was hammered into my brain from infancy. I have tried so many times to deserve God's grace, but of course, that never happens. Because of my guilt and feelings of failure to keep His law and my own codes, I maintain this distance from Him. Whether it is hurting someone else or merely praying in the wrong order, I feel that God must be, has to be angry with me for my shortcomings. For many years I have started over, tried again, and consistently broken the rules time and time again and ended up right back where I began. This is not the way God intended for me to relate to Him and I know it. I just have to let go of this mindset that somehow God is constantly evaluating me and accept that He is constantly loving me instead. My children break the rules all the time; does that mean that I would prefer they never talk to me because my disappointment is so great in them? Of course not. That is ludicrous. I know God loves me so much more than I, or any human, can love another person. Surely He desires no less from me, His child. In our humanity, we hang on to our sin like it is something precious. Because, without God's help, we cannot forgive others when they hurt us we feel that God must have the same problem. We are seeing Him as a man instead of the glorious and righteous God that He is. Loving us despite our failures is what He's all about. He doesn't have to work at it the way we do. He doesn't have to remind Himself, "Oh yeah, I forgave her for that. I have to stop thinking about it." It is this awesome love and mercy that is so hard for me to comprehend, but I want to. I want to live a life that is free of rules. I want to live a righteous life because of my immense love for Jesus, not because I am trying to earn anything. I prayed this morning for God's help in this. I need Him to help me understand and accept the depths and permanence of His mercies and love. I asked Him for more. More of what only He can give.

This morning after my prayer I went to the Calvary Chapel website because they have several devotional resources. This is the first thing I came across. I have never needed to hear something so badly. I know God's hand lead me here.

Why Grace Changes Everything

As Paul said in Philippians 3:8-9...

"...that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Thanks for listening.

Just some fun little blogthings...

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 9 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

I got tagged with this, so here goes...

1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"terrace, then entered the Bon Caffe. I continued to count the bell towers" Beach Music, Pat Conroy

2) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Um, the air

3) What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A documentary on the Shroud of Turin.

4) WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
9:30

5) Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
9:14

6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My husband playing his keyboard

7) When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I stepped outside an hour ago getting out of the car. I had been to the store.

8) Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
An email from my stepdaughter

9) What are you wearing?
jeans and a pink shirt

10) Did you dream last night?
Of course...something about whipped cream. Don't ask.

11) When did you last laugh?
A few minutes ago when my husband did a Napolean Dynamite impersonation.

12) What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Paint and windows. It's a sunroom with very little wall space.

13) Seen anything weird lately?
My stepson's myspace page.

14) What do you think of this quiz?
The first question was interesting.

15) What is the last film you saw?
"Deeply"

16) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A house on the Battery in Charleston, SC

17) Tell us something about you that we don't know.
I have to carry an Epipen with me everywhere.

18) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Make terrorists disappear.

19) Do you like to dance?
Love it.

20) George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
I think he's a human being with good intentions.

21) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
She was. Her name is Hallie. If I had another girl, she would be Francie, a name from my favorite novel.

22) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Well, if Hallie had been a boy she was going to be named Hayden.

23) Would you ever consider living abroad?
No, I love the US of A.

Hallie's note to Mom...

Hallie knew I didn't feel well today so she wrote me this message on her magnadoodle all by herself.

"I love you, Mom. I hope you get better."

I am already.

Yuck

That's how I am feeling. Just yucky. I am in the process of coming down on my Lexapro (SSRI drug used to treat depression, anxiety and OCD) and no one bothered to mention that I would experience withdrawal symptoms. I have been on various SSRI's since the age of 18 and Lexapro is by far the most effective. It's short half-life makes it very fast acting, but also can cause withdrawal within 8 hours of missing the first dose. After stabilizing my anxieties, I wanted to come down from 20 mg to 10. All is well until about 10 days later when I can't eat, feel nauseated, am dizzy and experiencing mood swings. Trust me, its enough to make me think I really needed the 20 after all. I know it's something my body just has to endure to adjust to the lower level of medication, but its not fun. Seriously, it's like being pregnant without the glow, except I'm losing weight instead of gaining it. Weight I really can't afford to lose. Trust me, I don't really like having a BMI of 17.5. I don't like having ankles the size of my husband's wrist. When I wear sandals they look like toothpicks in bricks (shoe size-9.5). I actually liked the way I was looking for a while because the increased dose put some meat on my bones, but I don't think that will last. Oh well...

Still Here...

What an absolutely crappy 24 hours. After spending all day yesterday packing for our trip, we ended up on the side of the interstate for over 3 hours last night. After waiting out a tornado and finally heading out of town around 5:00 our RV broke down about 2 hours into our trip. It was very scary...some weird noises followed by losing all power. Trust me, it's quite difficult to steer something that weighs 60,000 pounds without power steering or power brakes, especially when you are going 70 mph. For a minute, it looked like we were going into the trees, but Randy was able to coast it onto the shoulder. We waited forever for the state troopers and finally a tow truck big enough and then we had to wait for them to load it. All this time 18 wheelers were flying past us going 80 mph and each time it rocked the RV so badly I was afraid we would roll into the ditch. Anyway, we had to unload our stuff out of the RV and into the Saturn and drive back home. We walked back in the door at 1:00 this morning. Of course the kids were beside themselves by this time and frankly so were we. We went to bed immediately but were awakened 4 hours later by a thunderstorm complete with hail, severe lightning and four little feet running to our bed. I think we all dozed off a little after that but not much. Right now I am exhausted and sad. I was really looking forward to seeing Sally and her family. So much for our mini vacation.

I know, I know...it could've been a lot worse and I am thankful that we are safe. We really did end up making the best of it and having a decent day. I wouldn't trade time with my sweetheart of a husband or kids for anything. I just miss my friend.

Well, right now I am going to spend some quality time with Randy who will always be my best friend...with benefits.

I Forgot...

This is Hallie after her first game. She did great! I know I am a little biased, but I really think she is the best player on the team. They have her at first base and pitcher most of the time. Anyway, I am just so proud of her that I had to share a picture!

Catch Up..

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Mine was as close to perfect as possible. This is the first year in 3 that Randy has actually been there in the morning. As the keyboard player and oftentimes vocalist at our church of about 1000 people, he has to leave the house on Sunday mornings by 7:00 and doesn't return until 12:30, not to mention that on Easter there is always 3 services. Don't get me wrong...I love that he has found a ministry that he loves so much, but it's nice to have him there when the kids see their baskets and to help me get them dressed and out the door! We also had Marshall here this year so it really worked out nicely to have him home. We all went to church together where I was moved to tears by the music and message and then we had a nice dinner afterwards at our house. ALL my parents came, so it could've been explosive (I am always on edge for that possibility) but they were, for the most part, rather civil. Don't we look nice?

Of course we also did the Easter activities that don't really have much to do with Jesus, but that I find harmless...egg dyeing, hunting and baskets of treats. Personally, I don't find it particularly bothersome that parts of Easter have pagan roots, although I can understand those who do. I personally believe that God is interested in our motivations and our hearts, and I think that any day we choose to celebrate what He did for us is fine with Him.

Well, we are getting ready to go visit my very best friend this weekend in Florida, so I have lots of laundry to do. It'll be nice for us to get away for a few days. The kids love any reason to go some where in the RV, but they especially love the beach!

Resurrection Day

This is why I am celebrating today...

My Jesus, my Savior...
Lord, there is none like You.
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love.

My Comfort, my Shelter
Tower of refuge and strength.
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord, All the earth, let us sing!
Power and majesty, Praise to the King!
Mountains bow down And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name.
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands.
Forever I’ll love You,
Forever I’ll stand.
Nothing compares to the promiseI have in You.

I hope you all experience the grace and love of our Savior today.

Darlene Zschech (Darlene Zschech / Hillsong Publishing [ASCAP], admin. in US & Canada by Integrity’s Hosanna! Music)

Kid Stuff

What a great day I have had! Marshall is spending the week with us and he, Ethan and I have had so much fun. They took a bubble bath this morning and as soon as I could get them bathed and dressed, we headed out for pancakes. After a brief shopping session at Target (hey, he needed a toothbrush, okay? Any excuse will do...) we headed out for the playground. Of course, they got all sandy which basically nullified the bath this morning, but oh well. It was a so nice outside, although my Chicagoian (is that a word?) stepson exclaimed "It's hot out here!". Apparently his memory is not long enough yet to recall the 105 degree days of July from last year. Anyway, we came home and had grilled cheese and grapes for lunch and alas, they fell asleep, but not before blasting off to outer space in the Buzz rocketship.

I love having these kids together. They are like a PBJ sandwhich....Mars is the smooth, easy to spread peanut butter, Ethan is the sweet, jiggily jelly and Hallie is the bread that keeps them in their place. There's no escaping that bread, boys. You're surrounded. Of course, they have moments that call for mediation. There can only be two Buzzes and nobody wants to be Zurg. With Hallie in the game Buzz has a wife, baby and toy car seat in his rocket. Zurg is a grumpy bachelor who always loses and only has a laundry basket for a vehicle. Who can blame them?

Well, I better go wait for the school bus. Hallie's first softball game is tonight, so she needs a hefty snack. Later, folks!

Target Therapy

No, it's not a new breakthrough in treating mental illness. It's not some kind of psycho-babble for a form of cognitive or behavior therapy. It's exactly what it says. Therapy...at Target. You know, the store known all over the world for it's red circle logo and vast selection of items you really, really need and items you really, really don't need but that would look great in the guest bath? Need a laundry basket? Got 'em. Need organic strawberries? Got 'em. Need a digital camera? Got that, too. Need to feel better about yourself without spending tons o'cash? Well, . I don't know what it is about that store, but when I go through those automatic doors and reach for that red buggy, something happens. It's kind of like "Breakfast at Tiffany's" except there's no expensive jewelry or fine china and I am not Audrey Hepburn, no matter what my husband says. However, I do feel safe there. How could I not in the presence of every form of candy imaginable and clothes I can buy and not feel guilty about it later? I can wake up in the morning feeling like an ugly, horrible person and then somehow after an hour in the aisles of bliss walk out with a new pair of capris, a gallon of milk and a new point of view. How much does it cost? Maybe 50 dollars...and let me tell you, that's about 1/3 the cost of psycotherapy in the office where, I must point out, you cannot buy an icee that will turn your mouth blue and slurp it through a big red straw. There's just no contest. Target therapy is the only way to go.

I'm Here...

Sorry it's been so long, folks, but I've had a very sick daughter. She is improving, but had a fever of 104 and nausea yesterday. She had to miss softball and a birthday party and I am waiting to see when Ethan is going to take it. All of this plus the fact that a tornado passed over our house Friday night at 11:00 and golfball sized hail battered two of our cars. We are all okay, but squeezing into the storm cellar with our neighbors, my mother in law and a very sick little girl in the middle of the night was not the highlight of my weekend. However, my daughter's face when I brought her flowers from the grocery store yesterday is. Okay, I also got her the pair of "Krocs" (sp?) she has been asking for. I tend to indulge my kids when they're sick. So sue me.

Anyway, I hope all of you had a better weekend than I did. I'll write something more coherent later...after my nap.

Buzz Lightyear, some magic marker and some very sad news

Whew! Sometimes when I finally get my kids in bed at night I feel like a hallelujah chorus is in order. The hubby has band practice on Tuesday nights and somehow they are always the most challenging. Ethan threw his Buzz Lightyear (i.e. his passion for living) at the wall tonight and thus received a spanking and Buzz was shelved until morning. Between his dramatic crying and longing stares at the top shelf, I attempted to scrub a big smiley face off of Hallie's stomach for the second night in a row. Her friend was over yesterday afternoon and they came up with some "creative" ways to use her markers. Yes, she even drew long eyelashes, teeth and her belly button is the nose. Endearing, huh? I can't help but wonder how many baths it's going to take to remove this piece of art. Let's hope it wears off before her next doctor's visit. I am so proud of her, though, for how great she is doing in softball. Her coach told her tonight that she has a "vacuum on her hand" because she catches every ball. Ethan, however, thought that was an insult so he yelled back "My sister is not a vacuum!!" and gave him a dirty look. Thankfully, he didn't hear or see this display. On top of that, Ethan was walking around tilting his head back and saying "Hey, I'm a Pez Suspenster" to the other parents. He wouldn't move until they took some "candy" from his neck. Oh Boy.

On a more serious note, my brother-in-law's mom passed away last night from neuro-endocrine cancer which is rare, but very aggressive. She was only diagnosed 8 months ago and it has really been a roller coaster for the family. Sadly, my brother-in-law lost his younger brother to suicide a few years ago and now this. I feel so badly for him and especially his dad. Jackie was one of the kindest people I have ever met. She always met me with a big hug and called me "hon" and "darlin' ". She was an amazing photographer and she really taught me a lot about freelancing. She had a very difficult life and was enjoying her only grandchild (David Scott) so much. She loved him dearly and it just devastates me that he won't even remember her. She was a strong lady and I do take comfort in the knowledge that she is with her Savior and her son. I have fond memories, especially of last mother's day when we had a dinner party at our house. That was only 2 months before she got sick and we all had such a wonderful time together. I am so glad that I have that.

Please pray for my brother-in-law (Scott) and his dad (Mike). Scott is a precious human being and has supported my sister through some very tough times. He, my sister and my nephew are all Mike has left. No parents, no siblings and some horrible memories of finding his youngest son dead by a shotgun blast. I am praying that the Lord will make it possible for him to move closer to my sister and her family soon. He and Scott will really be needing each other.

A Survey I Stole From Jana

1. FIRST NAME? Jana

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not really, though my mom got the name from her cousin Jana. I also have a younger cousin named Jana whose parents stole my name.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Yesterday afternoon after having dealt with 14 toddlers in Sunday school on no sleep and then being ignored all afternoon. Yep, it was basically a self-pity fest. PMS anyone?

4. WHAT IS ON YOUR DESKTOP BACKGROUND? I change it monthly. Right now it is a fave picture of my hubby.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Honey roasted turkey breast

6. KIDS? Yep, I have two of my own and 3 step kids and another step adult who I’ll claim occasionally ;)

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes, I make a great friend.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL ? Are you kidding? Yeah..

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Who me?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Oh yeah.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope. I like my feet on the ground, thank you.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Bunches of Oats or Raisin Bran

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES ? Not usually. Especially since I usually wear slip ons that come off at the door.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically? Well, yeah, stronger than I look.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Bruster’s Birthday Cake. Yum.

16. What happened to # 16??

17. RED OR PINK? Pink.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically I hate my cleft chin. Otherwise, I hate how shy I can be.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Hmmm. I guess my best friend Sally who lives 8 hours away.

20. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black yoga pants with a white stripe and no shoes!

21. LAST THING YOU ATE? A whole wheat bagel with country crock light and strawberry jelly.

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son singing the Buzz Lightyear song while he is on the potty. He tends to take his time in there.

23 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Dark green

24. FAVORITE SMELL? Spring rainstorm.

25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My next door neighbor and best friend other than Sally, Kathryn.

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Their warmth and intelligence.

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole it from Jana’s blog, but of course I like her. She’s hilarious!

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Sweet tea and Porch Punch

Where's # 29??

30. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown

31. EYE COLOR? Very dark brown

32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not any more! Aha, I had Lasik.

33. FAVORITE FOOD? Turkey and dressing

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Either, but I prefer dramas.

35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Elizabethtown

36. COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? white

37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Ugh, anything but winter.

38. HUGS OR KISSES? Do I have to choose?.

39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Chocolate cake with chocolate licing

40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Sweet Caroline, Bringing Up Boys, Cold Mountain.

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My husband’s companny logo.

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? “The First 48” on A & E.

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Kids laughing, wind, rain, cicadas, ocean

44. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Neither!

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Northern California.

46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I write well and I read incredibly fast.

47. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? November 5, 1976 in Gadsden, Alabama.

48.Why did you answer this survey of your self? Because I had to pass the time while my son was indisposed.